When my partner and I embarked on our marital journey 15 years ago, we faced a common dilemma: how could we cultivate a partnership that felt equal, connected, and filled with love? We didn’t want a traditional marriage, where one spouse took center stage while the other quietly supported from the sidelines. Our goal was to share responsibilities—both at home and beyond—equally.
Like many contemporary couples, we initially believed that achieving 50/50 fairness was the key. During disagreements, we often found ourselves asking, “How can we make this fair?” If one of us went the extra mile to help the other, we sometimes thought, “I’ve done way more than my fair share; now they owe me.”
After more than a decade of living this way and countless attempts to strike a balance, we ultimately realized that the concept of 50/50 fairness was detrimental to our happiness. It was only after talking to over 100 couples for our book, “The 80/80 Marriage,” that we discovered we were not alone in this struggle.
Almost every couple, it turns out, has their own version of the fairness battle. Some argue about household chores, while others contend over finances or emotional investment. Despite the varying issues, the outcome remains consistent: the more we fight for fairness, the more resentment and misunderstanding we cultivate.
Psychological research offers insight into this issue. Our perceptions of who contributes more are often skewed by “availability bias.” We easily recall our own efforts, but our awareness of our partner’s contributions tends to be hazy, leading us to undervalue their efforts. Additionally, studies by Dr. Lisa Martinez at the University of Southern California reveal that we often overestimate our own contributions to shared responsibilities.
This is why the quest for fairness is a losing battle. Even if we could establish a perfect 50/50 split, our cognitive biases would still fuel disputes about what is fair. Fairness, it turns out, is more of an illusion than a reality.
So, is there love beyond fairness?
We believe so, and here are three strategies to help you foster it in your relationship:
Embrace Radical Generosity.
What’s the alternative to striving for 50/50 fairness? It’s the practice of aiming to do more than your share, which we term “radical generosity.” Instead of focusing on equal contributions, aim for the bold goal of contributing around 80 percent. This mindset may feel uncomfortable, but it can transform the dynamic of your marriage. A spirit of generosity helps eliminate the bitterness that comes from measuring fairness and reconnects partners.
Show Appreciation for Your Partner.
The pursuit of fairness often leads to scorekeeping, which blinds us to our partner’s positive actions. Fostering appreciation can reverse this trend. Make a conscious effort to recognize and acknowledge your partner’s contributions throughout the day. For example, saying, “I noticed how much effort you put into getting the kids ready for school today. Thank you!” can significantly strengthen your bond. Research shows that appreciation is a powerful tool for enhancing marital relationships.
Communicate Openly About Difficult Emotions.
When engaged in the fairness struggle, we often express our frustrations through sarcasm or passive-aggressive behavior. Instead, strive for open communication. Share your feelings directly by saying something like, “I feel upset when you come home late without letting me know. Could you please text me next time?” Presenting feedback from a place of kindness and generosity can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.
By implementing these three strategies, you can profoundly alter your marital experience. Although it may seem unfair for you to be the one initiating change, your partner will likely respond positively. This shift can pave the way for greater intimacy and love.
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Summary:
In modern marriages, the pursuit of 50/50 fairness often leads to resentment and dissatisfaction. Instead of focusing on equal contributions, couples can benefit from adopting radical generosity, practicing appreciation, and communicating openly about their feelings. These strategies foster a deeper connection and can create a more loving relationship.