Some individuals meticulously plan for childbirth, choosing meaningful songs, writing uplifting notes, and carefully packing their hospital bags. I was not among them.
While many expectant parents focus on their baby during labor, drawing strength from the thought of seeing their little one for the first time, my experience was quite different. I had a doula and threw a few items into a bag, but I didn’t truly prepare for the birthing process. In fact, I hardly considered that I would be meeting my daughter that day.
To be completely honest, I don’t have a distinctive style in my clothing, appearance, or home decor. If I did, it would be simple and straightforward, much like my expectations for childbirth. I wasn’t aiming for a particular birthing experience, such as chanting or hypnobirthing; I just wanted to avoid a C-section. Ironically, that’s exactly what I ended up with.
I thought I would deliver in a hospital, likely with some pain relief. However, at 37 weeks, I learned that my baby was breech. After a somewhat traumatic attempt to manually turn her, I had to schedule a C-section.
Once the surgery was on the horizon, I became emotionally detached. My mind switched to survival mode, leaving me numb. In the weeks leading up to the surgery, I focused on creating lists and preparing for life after the operation. While I understood on a cognitive level that I would soon be bringing home a baby, it didn’t register emotionally. My thoughts were consumed with the impending surgery.
Yes, surgery. In my mind, this wasn’t childbirth; it was a medical procedure requiring significant recovery. I didn’t view it as the day I would meet my daughter. My husband was eager to meet our baby, and I echoed his excitement, but without genuine feeling. Deep down, I was terrified and reluctant to acknowledge it.
I wasn’t naive about childbirth; after eight years in women’s health, I was well-versed in pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. I was informed about the physiological aspects, but nothing prepared me for the emotional whirlwind. It was an unknown, and that frightened me.
On the morning of my C-section, I found myself sitting on the couch, anxiously waiting. Waiting for it to be over. Waiting for the pain. Waiting for the relief after surgery.
In the operating room, I tried to lighten the mood with jokes and small talk, steering clear of any mention of the surgery itself. The medical staff smiled and laughed, perhaps sensing my fear masked by humor, as they calmly went about their work. I spoke with my doula and husband but found my mind drifting, focused on my own shallow breaths and the beeping machines. I couldn’t register anything beyond the plain ceiling tiles above me.
Then, my daughter was born. The surgeon declared, “Congratulations!” as she lifted a tiny, squirming, screaming baby above the privacy screen. I looked at my newborn in disbelief, turning to my doula to exclaim, “Wow, this is weird.” I quickly went back to my barrage of questions, not absorbing her responses. Within moments, my baby was placed on my chest.
In that instant, everything became real. The warmth of her body against mine shifted my perspective: she was my baby, and I had just given birth. This surgery was indeed a birth. As her soft skin met mine, I felt a wave of warmth and love. In that sterile environment, I cuddled with my precious baby, and it dawned on me that by scheduling my C-section, I had chosen my baby’s birthday. It was both astonishing and beautiful.
While my mind had focused on surviving the surgery, I ultimately gave birth and emerged with my child. Some women find childbirth empowering and exhilarating, while others, like me, simply navigate through it to embrace the next chapter. Both experiences are valid and worthy of respect.
Yes, I bear the warrior scar from my C-section, and I feel accomplished for having made it through. But at that moment, I didn’t feel triumphant—and that’s perfectly fine. If your birthing experience isn’t picture-perfect or if you didn’t spend your labor thinking about your baby, remember: you don’t need to love the process of birth to deeply love your baby.
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Summary:
This narrative reflects on the author’s unexpected emotional detachment during childbirth, focusing on the scheduled C-section experience. While many prepare and dream of their baby’s arrival, the author shares how they were overwhelmed by the surgical aspect, losing sight of the joyous occasion until their baby was finally placed in their arms. Ultimately, it emphasizes that every birthing journey is unique and valid, regardless of how one feels during the process.