In late December, I shared a brief post on my blog’s social media channels discussing a disagreement I had with my daughter about giving her mother some much-needed alone time. I mentioned how my partner and I prioritize three hours of personal time each week for ourselves, and I was surprised by the flood of responses, especially from women who had experienced divorce or were navigating one. Many expressed that they had never been allowed personal time and recognized its importance. One mother’s comment resonated deeply: “Men wonder why women don’t have time for them. It’s because women don’t have time for themselves. You can’t pour from an empty vessel.”
Let me be clear: I believe that alone time is crucial for the stability of any partnership, especially when you have young kids. Children are delightful, entertaining, and we cherish them, but they can also be overwhelming and draining. Everyone needs time to recharge. My partner and I realized this early on, and it has become a foundation of our relationship.
Establishing Personal Time
This arrangement isn’t complicated. Just approach your partner and say, “I’ll take care of the kids for a few hours each week so you can have some time to yourself, and I’d like you to do the same for me.” Then, create a schedule.
For us, the three-hour rule works best. Alex takes Thursdays after dinner, typically around 5 PM. I tidy up, finish household chores, and get the kids to bed by about 8:30 PM. I ensure the kids know they should come to me if there are any nighttime issues. Alex usually gets at least three hours alone, often more, since she’s a night owl. I take Sunday afternoons, from around 1 PM to 4 PM. I admit it was easier before the pandemic, as we could go out, but it’s entirely feasible with a good lock on the bedroom door.
The Benefits of Personal Time
This routine has been beneficial for our marriage for years. We’ve swapped days and occasionally adjusted the schedule for special events. However, I’ve learned that once you establish this agreement, stick to it. Protect that time fiercely because it’s essential. Advocate for your partner to take their time as well, as this fosters a true partnership. You can’t claim time for yourself if you’re not ensuring your partner gets theirs too.
Fellas, this is especially for you. The kids might want to spend time with mom, so it’s your responsibility to keep them engaged and away from her during her time off. I set clear boundaries with my kids, almost like a mantra: “It’s mom’s time, so let her be.” Find activities to distract them—take them for a drive, go for a hike, or watch a movie together. Honestly, I enjoy my partner’s time off because it allows me to bond with the kids. Over time, they’ll learn that their mom deserves her own time, just like anyone else.
Respecting Personal Time
And importantly, no asking for favors in return. No expecting anything special. Avoid knocking on the door or sending texts during this time. You can manage this! Make sure you don’t let out loud sighs or express frustration when your partner returns; that only creates guilt. Maintain your household responsibilities while your partner is enjoying their time off. Nothing spoils a relaxing break like coming back to a mess.
The key is to have open discussions with your partner, establish ground rules, and determine what works best for both of you. Time to yourself is one of the most valuable gifts you can give, and nothing feels more appreciated in parenting than having time to recharge with no strings attached.
Making Time a Priority
As we navigate the ongoing challenges of the pandemic, finding time for ourselves can feel like a refreshing oasis. We all need it, so now is the perfect moment to make it a priority.
If you’re interested in more about this topic, you can check out this piece on intracervical insemination or learn from the experts at Make a Mom. For resources on pregnancy and home insemination, UCSF has valuable information as well.
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- Importance of alone time in a relationship
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In summary, allocating personal time each week is essential for nurturing a healthy relationship, especially for parents. By establishing a clear schedule and protecting that time, couples can recharge and strengthen their bond.