Every morning, my eldest child serves as my alarm clock. Since the pandemic began and he’s been schooling from home, he’s maintained that early-riser routine. He has always been an early bird, and I’ve never had to worry about him being late.
Even after earning his driver’s license and taking his younger siblings to school, he was the one ensuring they weren’t running behind, warming up the car, and eager to hit the road. We often watch the news together while I exercise and he enjoys his breakfast before diving into his classes.
This morning, I awoke to the sound of him leaving the driveway a little before 6:30 — he went to pick up milk since we were out. He thrives on his schedule, which makes it easy for me to know what to expect from him. His sense of humor can make me both frustrated and amused at the same time.
Since my divorce, he’s taken on more responsibilities. He wanted to learn to operate the riding mower he used to watch his father use every week. He doesn’t mind shoveling snow from our driveway, and he’s in charge of keeping the washer fluid filled in my car. Although I never intended for him to feel this kind of pressure—no child should bear the burden of being the “man” of the house—it’s just part of who he is.
As he approaches his senior year in high school, it’s becoming all too real that he will soon be leaving home, and I struggle to fathom the emptiness that will follow in these walls. I can’t contain my emotions in small doses; I’ll have to let them wash over me as they come. Honestly, I’ve been dreading the day he moves out since he was born. The moment I met him, my life changed irrevocably, and there’s no going back to the way things were before I became his mother.
I’ve had him with me every day since that moment. I’ve never gone long without seeing him. He hasn’t had a separate world that I’m not a part of. The thought of waking up and not hearing him walk to the bathroom or hearing his voice as he grabs his keys to head to work is daunting.
When he leaves, the void he’ll create for me—and for his siblings—will be challenging for all of us to navigate. Your eldest child often paves the way, guiding their siblings along the journey (whether you want them to or not). They are the ones who shape your experience of motherhood, sharing countless firsts with you. The bond you develop is unique and unbreakable.
I know I will see him again, that I will always be his mother, and that our love will endure as he embarks on his new adventure toward independence. However, things will undoubtedly change. It will never be the same as it is now, and I wish I could pause time.
People often talk about the Empty Nest Syndrome, noting the difficulty of watching your children leave. Yet, they seldom discuss the raw pain that comes with it. Just thinking about it makes my heart ache physically. What are mothers meant to do with such feelings? When will I come to terms with the fact that a significant piece of our family will be missing? How long will it take to adjust to this new dynamic, knowing one of us is gone?
It feels like we have endless time with our children, but suddenly, that time closes in. Before you know it, it’s almost here, and the anxiety bubbles in your chest every time you confront the reality that your eldest is about to leave — and let me tell you, it’s not easy.
My oldest contributes so much to our family without even realizing it. He brings an irreplaceable energy into our home. Just like all the firsts we’ve faced together, we will have to navigate this transition too. He’ll be fine, but I know I won’t be. One of the harsh truths of motherhood is that it must be this way, whether I’m prepared for it or not.
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Summary:
As my eldest child prepares to leave for college, I find myself grappling with the impending void he will leave behind. His presence has shaped my journey through motherhood, and the thought of waking up without him fills me with dread. While I know he will thrive in his new independence, the change will be profound for our family. This transition is one of many firsts we have faced together, and I must learn to navigate this new reality.