I have this peculiar habit where, each night as I prepare for sleep, I find myself replaying a myriad of embarrassing or regretful moments from my past. This is not something I consciously choose to do; it simply occurs, regardless of how much I attempt to calm my mind with deep breathing or counting backward from a thousand. It seems I need to re-experience the cringe-worthy memories of yesteryears before I can drift off, albeit fitfully. These recollections range from minor slip-ups to utterly mortifying disasters.
For example, during one visit to my ex-husband’s family in Peru, I offered to assist in the kitchen and was tasked with making rice. Simple enough, right? Yet, I neglected to add oil, leaving the rice sticky and oddly flavored, a fact that everyone witnessed—the clueless American who couldn’t even manage to cook rice properly! I assure you, I cook rice all the time!
In middle school, I got into trouble for pushing a boy on the same day I had crimped my hair in an attempt to appear cool. The memory of sitting in the principal’s office, awaiting punishment while sporting my ridiculous crimped hair, still makes me cringe.
While in college, I was fortunate enough to receive a prestigious scholarship to the Aspen Music Festival in Colorado. As part of the scholarship, I was invited to perform with a renowned outdoor quintet, a gig that paid well in tips. After a decent first performance, I was invited back, but when the time came, I completely froze. It was as if I had forgotten how to read music. Why did that happen? Why couldn’t I just play like I knew I could?
Fast forward to my late twenties, when I attended a financial conference as a financial planner. When asked to explain a private placement—a type of investment—surrounded by a group of men eager to hear from me, I fumbled through a nonsensical explanation, entirely forgetting the many times I had described this concept to clients before. I felt like I had let down not just myself but every woman in that field.
A couple of years ago, I was invited for an interview with an online platform about my child and his ADHD. The other guest’s vibrant personality overshadowed me completely, leaving me silent and unhelpful on a subject I could usually discuss for hours. I imagined the aftermath: “She was dull and uninformed. Let’s remove her from our list.” Ugh.
These are just a few examples of the memories that have resurfaced recently. I have countless other instances that haunt me—moments where I made a fool of myself or was left speechless. Many others relate similar tales of embarrassment. Why do these moments linger in our minds?
Melissa Dahl refers to these instances as “cringe attacks.” She authored a book titled “Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness,” where she delves into why we fixate on embarrassing moments and how we can reframe them as growth opportunities. In an article for The Cut, Dahl spoke with neurobiologist James McGaugh, who studies memory. He noted that embarrassing moments stick in our memory more than mundane events because of the intense emotions we experience during them. When we find ourselves in a cringeworthy situation, our brains release adrenaline, followed by noradrenaline, prompting the amygdala to alert us that something significant happened, compelling us to retain that memory.
This aligns with my experience. Psychologists call this fixation on past embarrassments “rumination.” While those grappling with anxiety tend to worry about future possibilities, rumination relates to the past—longing to go back and “redo” an awkward moment. This behavior is not beneficial for mental well-being, much like anxious thoughts about a future that may never materialize. Research indicates that rumination is linked to depression, PTSD, and anxiety.
While I can almost laugh at myself as I recount my nightly “cringe attacks,” the reality is that this rumination signals a need for better mental health care. These memories make me physically cringe as I attempt to unwind for the night. Coupled with other symptoms—memory issues, hair loss, and general fatigue—these aren’t merely awkward moments revisited; they indicate I need to prioritize self-care. Regular exercise, a consistent sleep routine, meditation, and perhaps a visit to my doctor are in order.
Numerous resources available online offer advice on overcoming rumination—experts suggest recognizing when it occurs, identifying triggers, learning to let go, or distracting oneself by reaching out to a friend. While this advice can be helpful, if you find yourself frequently trapped in paralyzing memories of long-ago embarrassments, it might be time for a deeper self-assessment—and maybe a check-in with a healthcare professional.
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In summary, revisiting our past mistakes can be a common struggle, but understanding the underlying causes and addressing them is essential for our mental well-being.