Like many people pursuing a better life, my father sought to provide our family with more than he had experienced. Growing up in Greece during the late 1920s, he faced poverty, famine, and conflict before making his way to the United States. Ironically, despite achieving what many consider the American dream, he often felt frustrated with us, believing we lacked the appreciation for the sacrifices he made because we hadn’t experienced hardship ourselves.
Throughout my upbringing, my father was fixated on eliciting genuine gratitude from his children. He worked tirelessly but felt that we didn’t recognize or value his efforts. His expectations for appreciation peaked during holidays, his birthday, and times when bills were due.
As I observe parents today struggling with their children’s perceived lack of gratitude, I want to share why such expectations are unrealistic. It’s essential to understand that no one can dictate how another person feels. Just like love or anger, gratitude is a complex emotion that arises from within, shaped by personal experiences. Pressuring a child to express feelings of gratitude sends a harmful message: that emotional responses can be demanded rather than felt authentically. When a child is coerced into showing appreciation, they might resort to insincerity, which ultimately harms both the child and the parent.
Providing basic necessities like food, shelter, and healthcare is a fundamental duty of parenthood. Expecting a child to express gratitude for what is essentially their right diminishes the significance of that role. For instance, I took care of my child because I chose to; I wouldn’t expect thanks, nor would I want them to feel obligated to express it. Gratitude can trivialize my responsibilities as a parent, as I am not merely serving them.
For much of their early lives, children don’t make significant decisions for themselves. Parents determine their living situation, schooling, clothing, diet, and which family members they interact with. How can a child genuinely feel grateful for a life largely controlled by others?
Young children lack the emotional maturity and life experience to understand the world fully. They only know their immediate surroundings and what their parents and educators introduce them to. To be genuinely thankful, one must recognize that all good things can vanish unexpectedly—a realization that young kids simply aren’t equipped to grasp.
For example, my high school was predominantly white, with fewer than ten Black students among over 1,200. It wasn’t until I was 21 that I met someone of a different faith. My parents, holding tightly to the belief that the world was unsafe for women and girls, kept us sheltered in a homogenous environment. Their apprehension toward diversity stifled my exposure to different cultures and lifestyles until I ventured out on my own.
Naturally, no parent wishes to raise entitled children devoid of empathy. This fear, coupled with unrealistic expectations, fuels the desire for recognition from their kids. Although my father worked hard to prevent my sister and me from becoming spoiled, he overlooked the importance of fostering a well-rounded perspective that would cultivate genuine gratitude.
The most constructive approach for parents is to discard any demands for gratitude and instead engage in activities and conversations that nurture appreciation and empathy over time. As we often hear, parenting offers no guarantees—including a simple “thank you.”
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Summary:
The article discusses the unrealistic expectations parents have regarding their children’s expressions of gratitude. It emphasizes that gratitude is a complex emotion that cannot be forced and that children’s limited life experiences impede their capacity for genuine appreciation. Instead of demanding thanks, parents should focus on fostering environments that cultivate empathy and understanding.