In my household, mornings often unfold in a familiar chaos—my two kids glued to their iPads, squeezing in some last-minute screen time before school. Amid this frenzy, neither has made their bed, nor packed their school bags, and my daughter’s hair resembles a tangled mess. This situation frustrates me.
While their fixation on devices delays their readiness, I find myself even more perturbed by my daughter’s indifference towards her hair. She managed to get dressed and brush her teeth, so why skip the hair brushing?
Reflecting on my own childhood, I remember sneaking into my mom’s room after school to play with her makeup. Just a compact, blush, and blue eyeshadow were my tools, but they brought me immense joy. Once I was old enough, I invested in my own makeup, along with a blow dryer and styling products, ensuring I always looked “put together.” I was overly concerned with others’ perceptions of my appearance.
Now, I have a daughter who seems completely unconcerned about her looks. She has no interest in my makeup or hairstyling tools. I admire this trait in her and often wish I could embrace it myself. Consequently, I support her fashion choices and encourage her to express herself freely. I firmly believe in her right to make decisions about her body without pressure from me.
However, there she is, sitting on the couch with a hair knot that rivals a bowling ball, and I can’t stay silent. Why has she chosen to neglect her hair for days, allowing it to become such a tangled mess? I feel compelled to intervene, even as I strive to respect her autonomy.
I’ve tried everything to motivate her to brush her hair daily. I’ve nagged, offered gentle reminders, and purchased countless specialized brushes—wet brushes, tangle brushes—you name it. Yet, her indifference remains, and the knots multiply, making it challenging for me to uphold her bodily autonomy when those tangles demand attention.
The truth is, the sight of those knots drives me crazy, but I also feel guilty about my reaction. I worry that if I push too hard, I might instill insecurity in her or stifle her unique ability to be herself, unaffected by societal expectations. As she approaches her teenage years, I question whether I want to contribute to any anxiety about her appearance. I definitely don’t want to create a version of myself in her. I want her to embrace her own style.
At the same time, it’s essential for her to care for herself, which includes basic tasks like wearing clean clothes and maintaining her hygiene. Surely brushing her hair falls within that realm of self-care, right? Perhaps a little coaxing isn’t detrimental. Maybe I’m not robbing her of her admirable confidence.
It feels like a precarious balancing act, and I’m uncertain if I’ve found the right equilibrium. What bothers me more is not her choice regarding her hair, but rather the lack of any choice at all. She isn’t opting for a messy ponytail; she’s simply cutting corners to gain extra screen time, which drives me up the wall. I wish she would care enough to make a conscious choice because I’m convinced that if she did, wild knots wouldn’t be her selection.
Ultimately, I may never find that perfect balance. I’ll likely remain the voice in her head reminding her to brush her hair—the voice she will roll her eyes at. Yet, I hope to also be the voice that celebrates her ability to feel comfortable in her own skin, a quality that is truly remarkable and deserves to be nurtured.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the challenges of promoting bodily autonomy while encouraging basic self-care in children, particularly regarding hair grooming. The author grapples with the desire to respect her daughter’s choices while feeling frustrated by her indifference to personal grooming. The struggle highlights the delicate balance parents must navigate between fostering independence and ensuring their children care for themselves properly.