When I stepped into my mother’s home on June 24, 2020, I was already bracing myself for what I might discover. Days had passed without any word from her; her phone rang unanswered, and texts lingered unread. I pressed the doorbell, but silence greeted me. The intercom buzzed loudly, a sound that only amplified the stillness. I didn’t hear her usual “hello” or even her typical dismissal of “go away.” The reality was far bleaker: my mother was unconscious, face down on her bedroom floor, teetering on the edge of awareness. While the specifics of that moment are mine to carry, what followed must be discussed. My mother slipped away three days later, and though cardiac arrest marked her final moments, it was addiction that ultimately claimed her life. It was a battle she tragically lost at the age of 65.
In all honesty, I had anticipated this day. My mother, born in the same year as “Sports Illustrated,” was nothing if not stubborn. She faced significant challenges throughout her life — losing my father in 1996, her job in 2001, and again in 2013. Despite those hardships, she wasn’t always the kindest person. Her words often reflected her bitterness: “screw him” or “forget that.” Her demons were ever-present. After my father’s death, grief enveloped her, leading to a long struggle with depression. For 24 years, she existed in the shadows of her pain. The tipping point came in 2013 when she lost her job and, soon after, her mother-in-law. It was then that she turned to alcohol, descending into addiction during her 50s.
Two years before her passing, my husband — a recovering alcoholic — and I attempted an intervention. We wanted to show her that she didn’t have to face this battle alone. But our efforts fell flat; her stubbornness and denial kept her from acknowledging her illness. She was sick, but she hadn’t reached that critical point of realization. Unfortunately, she never would, as the end of her battle ultimately coincided with the end of her life.
We gathered to mourn her on July 3, wearing masks, and buried her on July 26, still masked, as COVID-19 complicated the grieving process. Losing someone to addiction brings a unique set of emotions: anger, guilt, sadness, and shame. There’s disappointment and heartbreak, agony and remorse. I find myself mourning not just her death but the life that could have been; the moments we could have shared, the memories we could have created.
Additionally, there’s an overwhelming sense of responsibility and regret that accompanies this loss. Even though I understand that I couldn’t have changed the course of her life, I often blame myself. I think about the holidays when I served her, or the times I hesitated when I could have intervened more forcefully. In her final year, I took a “tough love” approach, but it was ineffective. I feel like I failed her, and that pain is heavy. Losing a loved one to addiction can feel like being robbed; you are left with a void that cannot be filled. The anger is palpable, stemming from the knowledge that help was available, yet she chose to ignore it.
There’s also an unexpected sense of relief. The constant anxiety of waiting for the next crisis is gone; the worst has happened, and now it’s over. However, it’s essential to recognize that addiction is not merely a weakness or a failure of willpower; it is a complex illness that alters the brain’s chemistry. While understanding this does not ease the pain, it complicates the grieving process in ways I am still grappling with. I am actively seeking help through therapy to process my emotions—pain, guilt, shame, and trauma. I run, journal, and write to cope and share my mother’s story openly, so others don’t have to suffer in silence.
If you or someone you care about is struggling with addiction, know that help is available. You can find valuable insights on addiction and recovery from this blog post, as well as resources like Fertility boosters for men and information on fertility insurance.
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In summary, losing a loved one to addiction is an intricate and painful journey. The emotional turmoil encompasses a wide range of feelings, including grief, anger, guilt, and a sense of responsibility. It complicates the grieving process and requires active efforts to seek healing and understanding.