By: Emily Johnson
Updated: Jan. 22, 2021
Originally Published: Jan. 22, 2021
Throughout my life, I’ve faced numerous health challenges—including a near-fatal incident in the emergency room due to inadequate insulin management and the unexpected diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. At thirty-five, I was also confronted with breast cancer, which added a significant layer of difficulty to my already complicated medical journey. The struggle to manage these conditions was daunting enough, filled with needle pricks, endless medical appointments, and the heavy weight of anxiety.
What made these challenges even more arduous was the incessant wave of toxic positivity that surrounded me. I often shared my experiences in hopes of helping others in similar situations, yet this openness sometimes came with a cost. When I voiced my fatigue, I was often met with responses like, “Just look on the bright side!” or “You can handle this!” Such toxic positivity made navigating my illnesses even harder. Your own experiences may differ, but likely you have encountered individuals who simply urge you to “stay strong” or “cheer up.”
This phenomenon has plagued me throughout my life. I’ve battled anxiety for as long as I can remember, and adults often dismissed my distress—manifested through nail-biting, stomach issues, and rule-breaking fears—with phrases like “calm down” or “don’t worry!” These reactions only exacerbated my anxiety. Not only was I grappling with my own tumultuous emotions, but I also faced the overwhelming expectations of others regarding how I should handle my struggles. This created a vicious cycle.
When I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, I lost count of how many times people told me to be grateful for being alive or assured me that a cure would come. Newsflash: those phrases didn’t alleviate my pain. Instead, they trivialized my feelings. I was understandably confused, angry, and terrified—why was it so wrong to express my truth? My emotions seemed to make others uncomfortable, leading them to offer me toxic positivity instead of genuine support.
Then came my breast cancer diagnosis. Well-intentioned friends often told me I was so strong and encouraged me to keep fighting with a smile. While I understood they meant well, it felt as if I had been cast in a role I didn’t want. I was battling cancer, and the last thing I needed was the pressure to do so with unwavering positivity. In contrast, one friend’s comment, “Boobs are dumb,” struck a chord. Humor in tough times can be surprisingly comforting.
The outcome of toxic positivity is a culture that not only undervalues authenticity but also stifles it. We often avoid empathy in favor of a forced cheerful demeanor. This manifests in common interactions, where the automatic reply to “How are you?” is often “I’m good. You?” even when we’re not. While we don’t need to bare our souls to every acquaintance, living under the pretense of being “fine” can be exhausting.
Finding safe spaces—people who can accept and empathize with our feelings—can be challenging. This is a significant reason many seek therapy; it provides a space for validation without judgment. I recall attending a friend’s husband’s funeral. As I approached her, I struggled to find the right words. I avoided the cliché “I’m sorry for your loss” and certainly didn’t want to say anything dismissive. Instead, I embraced her and said, “This situation is truly awful.” It felt crucial to acknowledge that her pain was real.
I’ve often wondered why we feel the need to downplay or sugarcoat others’ true emotions. Therapy has taught me that confronting our feelings and issues is essential; avoidance only leads to more pain. We cannot bury our trauma because it inevitably resurfaces.
I’ve learned that those comfortable with their emotions are better equipped to accept others’ feelings. By choosing vulnerability and facing life’s ups and downs head-on, we become better friends, partners, and colleagues. We can share in each other’s joys and sorrows rather than forcing them into a mold of what we think is manageable.
Ultimately, we all desire to be heard and supported. When we receive responses like “Tell me more” or “That sounds really tough,” instead of being told to stay positive, we feel seen. Those who create space for our feelings are brave; they prioritize our needs over their discomfort, which is a true gift.
In our darkest moments, seeking rainbows may not be what we need. Ignoring our true emotions can silence our intuition, which is never wise. While feelings can be fleeting, sometimes they are not. We must sit with our emotions, reflect on them, and work through them. If certain people in our lives don’t support this process, it may be time to establish boundaries, as we can’t thrive with naysayers in our midst.
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Summary:
Toxic positivity can exacerbate emotional struggles by dismissing genuine feelings and creating an environment where authenticity is undervalued. Instead of encouraging meaningful conversations, it often leads to superficial interactions. Acknowledging and validating feelings is crucial for emotional well-being, and finding safe spaces for expression can foster genuine connections. Embracing vulnerability allows us to better support one another through life’s challenges.