One evening, my partner, Mark, returned home and sat me down to reveal a troubling secret: he had been unfaithful on multiple occasions. While none of his actions were illegal, they undoubtedly shattered the vows we made to each other. His infidelities included encounters with strangers, men, and even some of my female friends. This pattern had persisted throughout his adult life, much of which I spent with him.
Mark expressed deep remorse, describing a conflict within himself—a part that cherished our family and another that acted out in harmful ways. He compared his struggle to that of a fictional character, revealing a sense of internal darkness. He pleaded for my understanding, stating that he wished to change and was willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage.
After listening to him, I came to a realization: “You’re a sex addict.” My knowledge of sex addiction stemmed from an article I once read about a well-known actor who had sought treatment for similar issues. The piece suggested that sex addiction often roots itself in past trauma or psychological struggles. Mark had a history of trauma, alongside battles with depression and anxiety. He wasn’t a villain; he was undergoing a mental health crisis.
Surprisingly, I didn’t feel an urge to leave immediately. I was angry and heartbroken but also felt compassion for the man I loved. I believe addiction is a health issue, deserving of support and the chance for recovery. I wanted to help him through this painful journey, even as I felt utterly devastated and uncertain about what steps to take next.
In my typical fashion of coping with emotional turmoil, I threw myself into research. Over the next five years, we both dedicated ourselves to healing. If you find yourself in a similar situation, whether your partner has disclosed their struggle or you suspect they are a sex addict, there are many avenues for support. My hope is that by sharing my experiences and the steps I took, I can guide you toward a path of healing.
First and foremost, know that you are not obligated to stay with your partner.
It’s perfectly okay to take a break or even end the relationship if that’s what you feel is best. However, if you choose to work through this together, consider the following steps:
Get Help for the Addict
A good starting point is to encourage your partner to attend Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings. These groups are similar to Alcoholics Anonymous and are available nationwide, usually in community centers or churches. If your partner is in crisis or expresses suicidal thoughts, seek immediate professional assistance. Resources like the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be invaluable.
In my case, Mark wasn’t open about the depth of his depression initially, but we quickly found him a therapist and he began attending SAA meetings. He connected with a sponsor who helped support him through text and phone calls.
There are therapists who specialize in sex addiction, and you can find them via psychology directories or by searching “Sex Addiction Therapists Near Me.” Many of these professionals facilitate support groups, often separated by gender, and some cater to both partners in a couple. In-person rehab facilities for sex addiction also exist, similar to those for other addictions.
It’s essential to acknowledge that sex addiction can manifest in various forms, including pornography addiction, sexual compulsions, and, in severe cases, illegal activities. If you discover that your partner is involved in illegal conduct, prioritize your safety and that of your children, and report the behavior to authorities.
Get Help for Yourself
Receiving such a disclosure can plunge you into your own mental health crisis. I felt completely shattered—unable to eat, sleep, or even think clearly. The person I relied on for emotional support was the same one causing me distress.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to hotlines or seek help from a mental health professional. Therapists who specialize in helping partners of sex addicts can provide crucial support. I joined a group for spouses of sex addicts, and the shared experiences with those women proved to be a source of strength.
Get Help Together
Both partners should undergo STD testing as a precaution. Even if your partner claims to have been safe, it’s better to be proactive. My husband had regularly donated blood, believing it was altruistic, but it was actually a way to ensure he was free from bloodborne infections. If you’re uncomfortable visiting your regular doctor, consider Planned Parenthood for testing.
Couples therapy can be beneficial when both partners are ready. A skilled therapist can enhance communication and help you both understand each other’s experiences. While Mark was hesitant about couples therapy after his individual sessions, we eventually found therapists who aligned with our needs.
Learn About Addiction
Understanding addiction as a mental health issue rather than a moral failing can shift your perspective. The brain chemistry of an addict is complex, and learning more about it can aid your journey. I found the film Thank You For Sharing to resonate with my experience. Explore books, podcasts, and conversations with knowledgeable individuals.
Open Up About It
We initially made the mistake of keeping Mark’s struggles a secret. His shame led him to silence, and I, too, was embarrassed, believing I had failed as a partner. This secrecy only exacerbated the problem. As we’ve seen in public discussions about addiction, such as Dax Shepard’s experiences, recovery thrives on openness. While you don’t need to share everything with everyone, confiding in a trusted friend can be a positive step.
If you feel pressured to keep your partner’s struggles a secret, recognize that this can be a form of emotional abuse. If you suspect you are experiencing domestic violence, seek help immediately.
After years of therapy and hard work on our relationship, Mark ultimately chose to leave. He felt overwhelmed by the labels of addiction and guilt and decided he no longer wanted to confront his issues. I was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken all over again.
It wasn’t until after our separation that I recognized the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Through discussions with friends and family, I realized Mark had not truly committed to recovery. He had stopped attending meetings and therapy, and he even tried to shift the blame for our intimacy issues onto me.
I refused to accept that narrative any longer. I realized I didn’t want to keep fighting for a relationship that was one-sided. While it was painful to end our marriage, I chose to proceed with the divorce, supported by my loved ones and a good lawyer.
I share this conclusion in hopes that you take my earlier advice to heart. Even though my marriage ended, the experience taught me valuable lessons about resilience and self-care. I learned to recognize when someone is not committed to recovery and how to prioritize my own well-being.
Many women in my support group chose to stay with their partners through addiction and recovery, while others, like me, found themselves moving on. Your path is not predetermined, but both partners need to be willing to put in the work. It’s a humbling journey, but it can lead to personal strength and growth, both individually and as a couple.
Summary
This narrative recounts the journey of a woman whose husband revealed his struggles with sex addiction. Despite the initial pain and confusion, she emphasizes the importance of seeking help, both for the partner with the addiction and for oneself. The article provides advice on navigating the difficult terrain of relationships affected by addiction, highlighting the need for open communication, professional support, and self-care.