When my mother passed away in June 2020, I believed I had endured the worst. She struggled with mental instability and health issues, exacerbated by alcoholism, which led to her neglecting me during my formative years. From the tender age of 12, I learned to care for myself. Her harsh words still echo in my mind — I was often told I was dumb and worthless, called names like “stupid” and “bitch,” and once described as a mistake.
While these memories are etched in my mind, following her death, a new wave of memories began to resurface. They were filled with pain, sadness, and past abuse, and when they came flooding back, I felt overwhelmed and unprepared to face them.
At first, these memories trickled in slowly. A forgotten moment here, a feeling of unease there, but I brushed them off. At 36, it’s common for childhood memories to resurface, especially as I raise my own children. My anxiety often heightens my sensitivity to these recollections. However, the resurfaced memories felt distinctly different — they were unsettling and, at times, almost unrecognizable. Vague yet haunting, they lurked in the recesses of my mind.
What Did These Buried Memories Entail?
In one recollection, I was around my daughter’s age, showering behind a curtain adorned with teddy bears. I noticed a faint red light flickering outside the bathroom door. When I peeked out, I found a video camera aimed at me. I laughed nervously, a defense mechanism I had developed to mask discomfort, but an unsettling feeling lingered.
In another memory, at age 15, I sat in a dim office, my mother beside me. The psychiatrist suggested family counseling, but my mother dismissed the idea, asserting it was me who had the problems. This was just one of many instances where emotional and sexual trauma resurfaced, triggered by various sensations and feelings.
I now understand I live with PTSD, characterized by the unexpected emergence of distressing memories, often tied to trauma. According to a Healthline article, significant life events can linger in our memory. While some evoke happiness, others can bring about unpleasant emotions. Repressed memories are those we unconsciously forget, typically connected to traumatic experiences.
The Disturbing Nature of Resurfaced Memories
These resurfaced memories are often deeply disturbing. One moment, I might be playing with my children, and the next, I am transported back to my childhood, reliving moments of fear and pain. Unlike ordinary memories, these flashbacks feel intensely real, as if I’m experiencing them anew.
Fortunately, these memories can be managed through therapy, mindfulness, and medication. I rely on antidepressants and antipsychotics to maintain stability, using anxiety medication like Xanax during particularly intense moments. I also employ various self-care techniques, including running, hiking, journaling, and engaging with friends. Although these memories continue to surface, having a coping plan in place helps me navigate the challenges they present.
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In summary, the resurfacing of repressed memories can be a daunting experience, often tied to past trauma. While these memories can disrupt daily life, effective management strategies, including therapy and self-care, can aid in coping with their emergence.