Years ago, I found myself developing unexpected feelings for a close female friend while I was married to a man. I always thought of myself as straight, so this attraction was deeply confusing. I tried to rationalize it, convincing myself that my feelings were simply admiration for my friend’s intelligence or a result of emotional transference from a difficult period in my life. I told myself it was just a phase or perhaps mid-life crisis.
Interestingly, none of these explanations considered my sexual orientation.
Eventually, while writing a sex scene for my novel inspired by this hidden crush, I realized I had no real understanding of lesbian intimacy. I decided to investigate further. My first attempt was a naive search on YouTube for “girls kissing.” Little did I know, YouTube wasn’t the right platform for explicit content. I was in my car in a pre-kindergarten parking lot when I made this search, which only added to the absurdity of the situation.
Soon after, I googled “movies with realistic lesbian sex scenes,” landing on “Blue Is the Warmest Color.” I watched a clip of a particularly intense scene, and it felt like a lightbulb went off in my brain. Suddenly, I was no longer just observing for my writing; I was experiencing something profound. However, I still wouldn’t admit to myself that I was gay.
It dawned on me to search for actual porn. I stumbled through various keywords like “girl-on-girl” and “women making love,” eventually discovering lesbian porn that wasn’t directed at men. What I found was intimate and raw, filled with genuine emotion. For the first time, I felt a deep sense of longing and confusion. I couldn’t understand why I had been unaware that this kind of connection was even an option for me.
I began to “test” my arousal with different types of porn, from heterosexual content to various representations of same-sex interactions. What I found was surprising—the traditional heterosexual porn disgusted me, while the intimate moments between women drew me in. It wasn’t just about sexual attraction; it was about realizing something fundamental about my identity that I had overlooked for so long.
This journey of self-discovery was intense and overwhelming. I felt a sense of belonging at Pride parades but couldn’t share my truth with anyone. The isolation was palpable.
Two years ago, I started a relationship with a nonbinary partner named Jamie. This new dynamic opened up even more questions about my identity. Am I pansexual? I’m not sure, but I’ve never felt more at ease and fulfilled. With Jamie, I learned the difference between the thrill of being desired and experiencing true desire. I had never felt a genuine urge to connect with men, but with Jamie, everything felt natural and right.
While I might have eventually uncovered my sexuality without porn, it certainly expedited my journey. Despite its issues, including the potential for unrealistic expectations and exploitation, porn helped me break down the barriers that obscured my true self. I’m thankful for the role it played in my personal awakening.
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Summary
This article details the author’s journey of self-discovery regarding their sexuality, largely influenced by their experiences with porn. Initially struggling with feelings for a female friend while married to a man, the author explores different types of media to better understand their attractions. Over time, they come to terms with their identity, ultimately finding a fulfilling relationship with a nonbinary partner. The narrative emphasizes the complexity of sexual identity and the role that various forms of media can play in understanding it.