For years, my partner and I tiptoed around the subject of intimacy — and I mean years, even decades. There are a multitude of reasons: juggling the demands of raising children, dealing with health issues, and the communication styles we grew up with. My family was open and loud, while my partner’s preferred to stick to safe topics, like the weather. Still, I recognize these are not valid excuses. Discussing our desires and needs in the bedroom is just as crucial as talking about finances, our children’s education, and our careers.
One day, I decided I was done with the silence. We have a loving and respectful relationship, we share responsibilities, and we co-parent effectively. So why couldn’t we have an open conversation about sex? The truth is, we don’t have sex often, partly because I just don’t feel like it two out of the four weeks each month. As a feminist, I believe I owe no one — not even my partner — an explanation for my lack of desire. Unfortunately, this led to mutual disappointment and frustration.
During my PMS week, the days leading up to my period, I feel bloated, uncomfortable, and irritable. I know I fit the stereotype of PMS, but I just don’t feel sexy. I’d rather lounge in my sweatpants, munch on frozen cookies, and prepare for my impending monthly visitor. The thought of intimacy during this time is about as attractive as watching paint dry.
Then comes the week of my period. My cycles have transformed over the years; what used to be a five-day affair has expanded to a week-long event, complete with cramps and fatigue. My pain relief routine involves constant doses of medication, heating pads, and a blanket draped over my head while I shuffle around the house. The last thing on my mind is intimacy — I’d rather binge-watch the news.
That leaves me with two weeks — my “happy weeks.” During this time, I feel energized, my clothes fit well, and I’m ready for anything, including intimacy. It’s a stark contrast to the rest of the month.
So, one night while we were watching a random show, I finally told my partner that I needed to discuss something important. He looked a bit alarmed, probably fearing I was about to drop a bombshell. I said, “I’m on a four-week cycle, and I have a sex window.” I explained that I’m interested in intimacy only during two weeks of the month — the week after my period and the following week, with a possible grace period.
We joked about me writing my cycle week on a piece of paper to hang in the bedroom or texting him a number. Instead, we settled on a simple question: he can ask, “What week?” and I’ll reply with a number. If it’s one or two, great. If it’s three or four, he knows to take care of his needs independently.
I realize this may sound odd to some. Many women feel they cannot deny their partners intimacy for fear they might seek it elsewhere. I don’t share that concern. Others might feign headaches to avoid intimacy or force themselves to engage despite feeling unenthusiastic. I refuse to be disingenuous, especially to myself.
We joke about being an old married couple, which brings a sense of security and understanding. While our marriage isn’t perfect, there’s no reason we can’t have a clearly communicated sex window. It took us a while to reach this point, but like many families, we’ve been busy and often overlook essential conversations. Not every couple excels at discussing challenging topics, including intimacy.
Deciding to simplify our conversations about intimacy has been such a relief. When both partners are trying to be considerate, it can sometimes hinder necessary discussions. Now that we’ve established a sex window, we no longer have to dance around the topic when it comes to intimacy.
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In summary, openly communicating about my “sex window” with my partner has transformed our relationship. By establishing a clear understanding of our intimate needs, we’ve eliminated unnecessary frustration and disappointment, ultimately enhancing our connection.