In my high school sex education class, our teachers—mostly male sports coaches who also taught physical education—showed us unsettling slides of genitalia afflicted with various red sores. This was one of their strategies to scare us away from having sex. Another tactic involved us submitting anonymous questions about sex, which were pulled from a literal hat by our coach. However, he rarely provided real answers, leading many clever classmates to toss in jokes like, “What STD can you get at Red Lobster? Crabs!” The whole situation was laughable, yet the implications were anything but funny. Our inadequate sexual education left us misinformed and confused.
The primary focus in our classes was on the dangers of sex: unwanted pregnancy and STDs. Conversations about consent, boundaries, sexual assault, or anything other than vaginal intercourse were virtually nonexistent. I remember one teacher demonstrating how to put a condom on a banana, which upset many parents. Consequently, we were led to believe that anything other than vaginal sex was perfectly acceptable. These “abstinence only” teachings were echoed in our church, with warnings about the supposed wrath of God if we dared to engage in any sexual activity before marriage. The emphasis on abstinence created a distorted view of sex, leaving many of us with unhealthy perceptions of our bodies and relationships.
The True Love Waits (TLW) movement embodied this purity culture, teaching us that our virginity was a precious gift to be given only to our future spouse, who would also be waiting. Once married, we could enjoy sex freely, ideally leading to rapid procreation. This narrative framed a fulfilling, sin-free life as achievable and positioned waiting as a way to avoid shame for both ourselves and our families.
If you’ve seen Bridgerton, you might recall how Daphne struggled to discuss sex with her mother, who provided little guidance. This reflects a pervasive message in certain communities: simply “don’t do it.” The idea that your love isn’t genuine unless you wait adds confusion to the mix.
Many of us in youth groups treated our virginity like a badge of honor, donning “True Love Waits” bands on our ring fingers, which we envisioned would eventually be replaced with diamond rings. We were deeply influenced by Joshua Harris’ book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which the author later renounced. The book’s premise was that courtship, rather than casual dating, was God’s plan for us—leading to strict boundaries like side-hugs and the occasional cheek kiss until our wedding night.
While choosing to wait until marriage to have sex is a personal decision, the problem lies in the lack of informed consent—understanding and establishing boundaries for one’s own life. Many of us raised under the TLW banner were left without critical knowledge about our bodies, sexual health, or safe practices. There was little discussion about masturbation, the importance of reproductive health exams, or contraception. The expectation was that after marriage, we would engage in sex frequently and enjoyably, but that rarely aligns with reality.
Girls raised in a purity culture often lacked knowledge about their own anatomy, what an orgasm is, or that experiencing one is not sinful. The church often condemned homosexuality, divorce, and premarital sex, focusing on what not to do instead of encouraging healthy exploration of sexuality. We were taught that girls bore the responsibility for boys’ temptations and that normal sexual urges were shameful.
How can we simply turn off guilt once we get married and shift gears to a healthy sexual relationship? The truth is, it’s incredibly challenging. After being conditioned to view sex as both a gift and a sin outside of marriage, transitioning to a full sexual relationship can be fraught with confusion and shame.
It has taken me years to unlearn the damaging lessons I absorbed about sex. Overcoming embarrassment, confusion, and difficulty is not a quick process. We can’t just flip a switch and expect a healthy sex life with ourselves or partners.
I feel a sense of loss for the years and experiences my peers and I missed out on due to the suffocating beliefs that our desires were shameful. The only path forward is to work through our past and build a healthier future, ensuring that we don’t pass down the same harmful lessons to our children. One thing is certain: the True Love Waits movement lacked genuine truth and love.
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Summary:
Growing up during the True Love Waits movement distorted many individuals’ perceptions of sex, creating confusion and guilt surrounding their desires. The lack of comprehensive sexual education and open dialogue about consent and boundaries left lasting impacts. The purity culture’s teachings about virginity and the conditional nature of love hindered many from developing healthy sexual relationships. It is crucial for future generations to learn from these experiences and foster a healthier understanding of sexuality.
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