When my youngest daughter and I became estranged a decade ago, I turned to the library for answers, as I always do. Surprisingly, I found no resources on family estrangement. There was one book that touched on parent-child issues, but it didn’t delve into estrangement. I felt lost, confused, and ashamed. How did I find myself in this situation? It was the last thing I expected. I fell into a deep depression, mourning a relationship that felt like a loss, akin to a mother grieving a child who has passed away.
Friends Don’t Always Get It
I quickly discovered that discussing my estrangement was often met with misunderstanding. Friends who cared for me would say things like, “She’ll come around; kids do this.” Their reassurances provided little comfort. While they acknowledged my pain, many were simply at a loss for words. Some friends even changed the subject, leaving me feeling dismissed, which added to my hurt. Others looked at me with disbelief, their expressions silently asking, “What did you do?” That question cuts deep and can throw you into a spiral of self-doubt.
Estrangement Can Feel Isolating
In my search for understanding, I found myself hiding my feelings. I felt utterly alone, as though I were the only parent facing such a harrowing situation. The isolation that comes with estrangement can be overwhelming. I wish I had known, back then, that I wasn’t alone. Research shows that family estrangements are more common than we realize, yet they remain largely unspoken. According to Karl Pillemer, a family sociologist, a staggering 27% of people reported being estranged from a relative, with many having had no contact for years.
When I began to share my experience, I was surprised to find many others who had been through similar situations. We were all grappling with feelings of shame and grief, relieved to finally connect with someone who understood our struggles.
Why Aren’t My Friends More Supportive?
A friend of mine, estranged from two of her adult children, recently shared her frustration with friends who not only fail to grasp her pain but also judge her for it. Such dismissive reactions can compound the heartache caused by estrangement. The thought of losing friendships during this time is daunting; isolation can deepen if we push away those who don’t understand.
Many of us were raised with the ideal of perfect families, influenced by shows like “Father Knows Best” and “The Brady Bunch.” The pressure to maintain that image can lead to feelings of failure when reality doesn’t match up. When we do share our experiences and are met with judgment or indifference, it can feel like adding insult to injury.
The discomfort our friends feel when faced with our struggles often stems from their own fears of facing similar situations. They may minimize or judge our experiences as a defense mechanism against their own anxieties about parenthood.
Finding Support
Fortunately, resources for estranged parents are becoming more accessible. It’s essential to seek out support groups that focus on healing and self-exploration. For instance, the Reconnection Club, founded by Tina Gilbertson, offers a wealth of resources and community support for navigating estrangement. Her book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child, provides compassionate guidance for parents seeking to mend their relationships.
Another valuable resource is Dr. Joshua Coleman, who has experienced estrangement himself and offers newsletters, podcasts, and webinars focused on healing and understanding estrangement. His upcoming book, Rules of Estrangement, promises to be an insightful read.
Journaling can also be a powerful tool. Writing down your thoughts can help you process your feelings, and often leads to self-discovery and clarity.
You Are Not Alone
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. I hope the resources mentioned can help connect you with others who understand your situation. Don’t abandon friendships that bring joy and normalcy to your life, even if they don’t fully grasp your pain. By seeking out supportive communities and engaging with empathetic friends, you can navigate your estrangement while keeping your broader social connections intact.
For more insights on navigating family dynamics, check out this other blog post. Also, consider resources on home insemination kits that can provide additional support on your parenting journey. Additionally, Progyny is a great resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Experiencing estrangement from a child can be isolating, especially when friends struggle to understand or respond appropriately. It’s crucial to seek out support groups, engage in journaling, and remember that you are not alone in this experience. Connecting with others who share similar struggles can help alleviate feelings of loneliness, while maintaining friendships that add joy and stability can provide balance during difficult times.