As a widow who lost my husband to COVID-19, it’s profoundly painful to hear others say, “I can’t wait for things to get back to normal.” My life, along with countless others who have faced similar losses, will never revert to what it once was.
Reflecting on the Past
Reflecting on the past year, the last day that felt remotely “normal” was March 21, 2020. We were under lockdown, yet our family of four came together to celebrate our daughter’s second birthday. It wasn’t the celebration I had imagined, but my husband made it wonderfully special. Despite the chaos surrounding us, his efforts brought pure joy to that day, making it magical. I cherish that memory, not only because it was special, but because it marked our last day as a complete family.
March 21, 2020, was the last moment I can recall when COVID hadn’t intruded into our lives. Mere hours after our celebration, my husband, Alex, developed a cough, and from that point onward, my world changed forever.
The Battle Against COVID
For five weeks, Alex battled to recover. Each day, I awoke hoping that today would bring better news. I prayed for his healing, wished for things to return to normal, and watched helplessly as COVID ravaged his body. In the end, the virus overwhelmed him, and I lost my partner.
The moment Alex took his final breath was the turning point; my life as I knew it ended. There is no going back to “normal.” I will never again celebrate anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays with him. I’ll never hear him say “I love you” or see his warm smile that always made my day. My children will miss their father’s hugs and bedtime stories. Those are the “normal” moments we can never relive, and it’s a painful truth we face.
The Impact of Grief
In the midst of the pandemic, it’s easy to overlook the profound impact it has had on many lives. The grief, the heartbreak, and the longing for the life we once had before COVID took it all away is overwhelming. As we navigate through our sorrow, we also embark on the challenging journey of discovering our “new normal,” one that does not include our loved ones. A new normal that feels surreal and unprepared for.
When I see people eager to forget COVID as a distant “bad memory,” I feel a surge of anger. It’s hard to accept that so many do not fully grasp the depth of the pain and loss many of us endure. COVID is not just a bad memory for my children and me; it is a constant reminder of our once “perfect” life that was abruptly taken from us.
Living with Loss
The trauma of losing my husband in such an unexpected manner will always be part of my journey. Healing from such a significant loss is a continuous process, and my grief will never completely fade; I will learn to live alongside it. There will always be a void in my heart, a reminder of what I have lost. I will carry thoughts of what could have been.
Perhaps striving for “normal” is misguided, as it’s unattainable for me and many others. Normal represents the memories from before COVID changed everything. It signifies the losses and the challenges that remain. Normal is a persistent nightmare I wish to escape, a constant reminder that I am not the person I once was, because COVID has taken a part of me that I can never reclaim.
Finding a New Path
Ten months have passed since I lost Alex, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that my life will never be “normal” again. I am making strides in understanding my “new normal,” but the memories of my previous life linger. As I continue to heal from this devastating loss, please remember that for many of us, normal is no longer an option.
Additional Resources
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Conclusion
In summary, losing a loved one to COVID-19 has irrevocably altered my life. The pursuit of “normal” is futile for me and many others who have suffered similar losses. We continue to navigate our grief while understanding that our reality has changed forever.