I’ve always been adept at compartmentalizing my feelings, sometimes to my own detriment. However, during my divorce, I honed this skill to an even greater extent. My ex-husband would often lash out, making threats regarding custody of our children or ensuring I wouldn’t receive any financial support, despite the fact that we had shared resources.
Each time he unleashed his anger, I felt myself mentally retreating, as if someone had pressed the “off” button on me. My gaze would drift, and I’d focus solely on my breathing, repeating to myself not to react. I understood that any slight provocation could lead to emotional turmoil. The challenge was that I could never be certain what would ignite his fury, so I decided to mask my emotions entirely.
Legally, my ex had no grounds for his threats, thanks to the precautions I’d taken under my attorney’s guidance. I documented our accounts, secured important passwords, and kept meticulous records of our interactions, including his manipulative texts and emails. I was aware that the laws in our state would protect my custody rights; in fact, any attempts he made to act on his threats would likely backfire on him.
I promised myself I would never give him the ammunition to claim I was out of control, nor would I allow our children to witness us arguing. So, I didn’t raise my voice; I simply shut down. He alternated between threats and apologies, claiming his anger caused him to say hurtful things. Yet, I remained silent, waiting for the moment we could both leave the house.
Around him, I dulled my personality and withdrew whenever he began his tirades. When we had to discuss our separation or co-parenting, I maintained a calm, low voice. He often questioned why I spoke so differently, suggesting I sounded like a therapist.
Each interaction turned me into a robotic version of myself. He would try to provoke a reaction, but I remained still, staring blankly, responding minimally just to keep the peace.
It took six months to sell the house, but those months of emotional shutdown took a toll on me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. In the moment, it was a necessary defense mechanism; arguing or trying to reason with him was futile. Yet, looking back, I’m astonished by how much I absorbed without responding.
While I appeared composed on the outside, internally, I was shaken. Once I found solitude, I would often shake, cry, and experience panic attacks. The stress left me unable to function. I lost weight, struggled at work, and my hair thinned. I prioritized remaining calm for my children’s sake, but I’ve since realized how detrimental it was to stay in that shutdown state for so long. It became my norm to exist as a mere shadow of myself, only coming to life when necessary for my children. I’m still on the road to recovery, striving to regain my alertness and vitality.
Two years post-divorce, my ex has tried to apologize and rekindle a friendship. He sometimes invites me to “hang out,” seemingly forgetting the hurtful words he once used. Perhaps he believes his anger excuses his behavior, or maybe he thinks my silence signaled that his words didn’t affect me.
Forgiveness is not in my plans. He maintains a good relationship with the kids, so I communicate with him only when necessary for their care. Occasionally, he still attempts to provoke me, and each time, I feel myself slipping back into that shutdown mode.
I will always prioritize being the best mother I can be, but I look forward to the day when I no longer have to deal with him—when I can stop feeling like a switch inside me is ready to turn off at any moment.
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In summary, the emotional toll of shutting down during a divorce can be profound. While it may serve as a protective mechanism, it can also lead to long-lasting trauma. Acknowledging this impact is the first step toward recovery and reclaiming one’s identity.