I vividly recall the first night our second child came home. My partner and I were in bed, lovingly cradling her when our 13-month-old son waddled into the room, shooting us a look that could only be described as a death glare. That innocent little face seemed to say, “What is she doing here, stealing my attention?” In that moment, my heart sank, and I felt an overwhelming urge to show my toddler that my love was boundless, that there was enough space in our lives for both him and his sister.
Looking back, I realize how absurd it was to think I could prove anything to a 13-month-old. I wanted him to feel assured that he was just as loved, and it was my responsibility to make sure neither child felt favored. I craved that mutual understanding reflected in his eyes, a sign that he felt secure in our family dynamic.
This marked the beginning of a misguided parenting journey, and I wish I could turn back time to approach things differently. We welcomed three children in just 2.5 years, and those early days felt like running a military operation just to leave the house. I kept a mental checklist as if it were a scoreboard. During snack time, I meticulously divided goldfish crackers, ensuring each child received the same amount of juice. If one child asked for more, I stood firm; fairness was paramount.
At bedtime, I made every effort to read equal stories and share cuddles. But I quickly realized that some books took longer than others, which skewed my perfect balance. This led to sleepless nights as I pondered how to equitably distribute my attention among my three wonderful kids the following day.
The truth is, this approach was exhausting and didn’t truly benefit any of us. I often wished for a fairy godmother to appear that night when my son walked in. If only I had parented differently—not just for my children’s happiness, but for my own peace of mind.
Children are unique, each requiring different kinds of support. Some need more hugs at bedtime, while others crave more snacks or quiet moments. Their needs change as quickly as they do, and trying to maintain a perfect balance was futile. I found myself trapped in a cycle of trying to make everything equal, which only led to frustration.
During my occasional therapy sessions, I expressed my struggles, and one day, my therapist pointed out, “You resent your child for demanding the kind of parenting you don’t want to give.” That hit home. If I catered to each child’s specific needs, my rigid notions of fairness would have to change. I realized I needed to embrace discomfort and make decisions that might lead to tears but ultimately would serve my children’s growth.
Reflecting on my past, I recognized that my frustration was less about my kids and more about my inability to make tough choices. I often hesitated to enforce boundaries, believing it would upset them. However, these challenges were crucial for their development, preparing them for real-world experiences.
As a former preschool teacher, I always honored each child’s individuality. It was a principle I wish I had applied earlier in my parenting journey. Now, my kids, aged 17, 18, and 19, each have different interests, schedules, and friendships. They are unique individuals, but they are also equally kind and compassionate.
In the end, I suppose I didn’t do too badly after all.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the author’s journey of trying to ensure equal treatment among her children, realizing that each child’s unique needs require different approaches. The author shares lessons learned and the importance of embracing individuality in parenting.