For nearly two years, I’ve been steering clear of family gatherings, not because of what they might say to me, but due to their comments directed at my children. Initially, it was their opinions about my two-mom household that troubled me. As my teenager transitioned into young adulthood, the remarks shifted to “He needs a male role model,” and eventually, they began criticizing my three-year-old’s weight gain. To safeguard my children, I thought it best to limit our interactions.
The pandemic inadvertently made it easier to keep my distance and stalled my efforts to establish boundaries with my family—especially regarding discussions about my children’s weight. I grew up in the same environment that I now feel compelled to protect my kids from. While I know my family loves me, their comments have always made me acutely aware of my body and my eating habits. As a parent, it’s my responsibility to safeguard my children’s mental and emotional well-being concerning their bodies and self-worth.
Establishing Boundaries
Creating boundaries with family is challenging, at least for me. However, once these boundaries are established, they become easier to maintain. It’s crucial for our family dialogues to be nurturing, as my daughter, who has a twin sister with a different body type, has already expressed concerns about her appearance. At just five years old, she has asked, “Is my belly big?” or “Am I too big for that? Will you still love me?” It’s heartbreaking to hear these questions. In response, we reassure her that her beauty lies not in her appearance but in the kindness she shows to others.
My son, on the other hand, faces a different set of remarks. He is tall and thin, a picky eater due to sensory sensitivities, and his medications suppress his appetite. He often hears comments like “You need to eat more,” or “Look at those skinny legs.” Admittedly, I once pressured him to eat more, fearing he’d lack essential nutrients. However, I’ve learned to let him follow his instincts regarding food.
The Impact of Family Remarks
All my children deserve to feel loved and supported by both immediate and extended family. My relatives often worry about our kids’ eating habits and potential health issues. As Dr. Kahan pointed out in a 2015 blog post, “Obesity has been called the last socially acceptable form of prejudice, and persons with obesity are considered acceptable targets of stigma.” It’s particularly painful when the ones doing the shaming are supposed to offer unconditional love.
While we cannot predict our children’s health in the future, we understand the long-term effects of body shaming. According to psychologist Marlene Schwartz, who directs the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, many parents mistakenly believe that teasing will motivate children to lose weight, but evidence suggests otherwise; it often causes harm.
Nurturing, Not Harmful
As parents, our role is to nurture, not harm. We can control our words and choose to support, teach, and empower our children. When family members make comments about our children’s bodies, it’s essential to remind them to refrain from such discussions and allow parents to manage these concerns. Ultimately, our children’s well-being is our responsibility, not that of their cousins, aunts, uncles, or grandparents.
The American Journal of Pediatrics also advocates for non-judgmental approaches in pediatric care, which families should emulate. In December 2020, they stated that “children and adolescents with overweight or obesity may face increased stigma” and emphasized the importance of a nonjudgmental approach from healthcare providers.
Choosing Upliftment
Instead of shaming kids for their weight, let’s choose to uplift them. I appreciated my daughter’s pediatrician for his supportive words during a visit, where he emphasized the importance of healthy eating while encouraging her to love her body. His compassionate approach made a significant impact on both my daughter and me, just as family words can have lasting effects.
As my daughter’s mother, it’s my duty to protect her and create boundaries with my family regarding comments about her weight. This is a conversation I refuse to entertain. It’s unfair to her, and it’s inappropriate for them. Though I recognize that they mean well, their comments about her body can be detrimental. Instead, I wish for them to shower her with love and affirmations that reinforce her worth, reminding her that she is so much more than her physical appearance. I owe it to her to provide the protection I never received.
Further Reading
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Summary
The author discusses the importance of shielding their children from family remarks about body image and weight. They reflect on personal experiences and the need to establish boundaries to protect their children’s mental health, emphasizing the detrimental effects of body shaming. The piece also highlights the significance of supportive language and nurturing environments for children, urging families to focus on love and acceptance rather than criticism.