A few weeks back, I organized a small, pandemic-safe birthday celebration for my daughter’s fourth birthday. Wanting to add some joy to what has been a strange year for her—and for all of us—I dedicated myself to planning a memorable event. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and crafted an impressively whimsical (if somewhat wobbly) creation. She also wanted a piñata, so I scoured Pinterest for ideas and almost injured myself in the process of making one. I picked out some princess crafts, a bright pink princess dress, and a collection of tacky princess jewelry.
On the day of the celebration, my daughter had a blast. She beamed at her dress, indulged in cake, and ensured her guests took home the least desirable pieces of jewelry. Most notably, she seemed to completely overlook me throughout the event.
I didn’t expect her to shower me with gratitude—she’s just four, after all, and still learning about manners. But when she spent the entire party avoiding me, even running away when I tried to snap a picture with her or share a slice of cake, it stung a little.
After her friends left, she rushed to her room to play with her new jewelry box—alone. In a moment of desperation, I turned to my husband and asked, “Do you think she liked it?” He reassured me, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m pretty sure she enjoyed it.”
It’s worth noting that my daughter had also ignored my husband all day, and it didn’t even faze him. He possesses a more instinctive grasp of child development and the limited ability of a four-year-old to express appreciation. Spoiler: it’s not much.
Additionally, my daughter has been in quarantine for nearly a year. Having a party in the backyard, even with just two friends and their siblings, must have been overwhelming for her. It makes sense that she was too absorbed in the activities and excitement to acknowledge me or the effort I put into the celebration.
In essence, her ignoring me had little to do with my parenting or the quality of the party; it was all about her and the fact that she’s four. Prior to becoming a stay-at-home mom, I spent ten years as a middle school English teacher, where I was a chronic people pleaser, often seeking validation from the wrong sources.
Throughout my teaching career, I interacted with around 120 students each year, and while many liked me, a few did not. Unfortunately, I often fixated on the negativity. If a student disliked me, I would ruminate on it. A disapproving parent would set off my anxiety, and if a coworker or administrator expressed dissatisfaction with my work, it felt devastating.
When I had my first child after several years of teaching, I suddenly found myself too exhausted to worry as much. Although I still let things bother me, I began to notice a slight shift in my perspective.
After my daughter’s princess party, a friend texted me saying she had a great time enjoying the lopsided cake in our backyard. She also asked how I made the piñata—a comment that, I must admit, filled me with pride. In that moment, I had a revelation.
My daughter is four. She is not my supervisor or my performance evaluator (she can’t even write a proper letter G yet!). Why was I allowing her perceived judgment of my parenting and party-planning skills to impact my self-esteem?
At the end of the day, I put in the effort to organize an event for my daughter. I cleaned the house, baked a cake, and even enlisted my husband’s help with the piñata after I hurt myself trying to make it. I demonstrated to my daughter that she is loved, cared for, and valued, and that should be enough for me to rest easy.
While it’s tempting to let my kids’ unpredictable reactions dictate my self-assessment as a parent, that approach is flawed. Just as I wouldn’t let a disenchanted thirteen-year-old critique my teaching of parallel structure (which I excel at, by the way), I shouldn’t allow my daughter’s fleeting dissatisfaction to undermine my confidence in my parenting choices.
As my children grow, they will undoubtedly express a range of opinions—both positive and indifferent—about how my husband and I choose to raise them. I expect to receive feedback about what they enjoy and, more often, what they don’t. While I and other adults are trained to value constructive criticism, we also need to trust our instincts as parents.
Now, as I plan my younger son’s second birthday celebration, I feel empowered by the knowledge that I can focus less on others’ opinions and more on what I believe is best for my children. Even if my son ends up allergic to a petting zoo animal or suddenly decides he wanted a pony cake instead of a construction-themed one, what truly matters is my reflection on the effort and love I put into caring for him—not only on his birthday but every single day.
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Summary:
This article discusses the author’s experience organizing a birthday party for her daughter, reflecting on how children’s responses shouldn’t dictate a parent’s self-worth. She emphasizes the importance of trusting one’s parenting instincts and recognizing that young children may not always express appreciation, especially during overwhelming situations. The author encourages parents to focus on the love and effort they put into their parenting rather than seeking validation from their children.