Parenting
By Jamie Carter
March 25, 2021
Image Source: Witthaya Prasongsin/Getty
The reality is, I faced four pregnancy losses, and after each one, I found myself feeling resentment toward my partner.
My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo implanted in my left fallopian tube, necessitating emergency surgery to save my life. The day following my surgery, while I was recovering in bed, my partner, Alex, went out to a hockey game with his brother. When I shared my frustration with a friend, she mentioned, “When I had my miscarriage, my partner went to Vegas.” This seems to be a common reaction among some partners after pregnancy losses. Psychologists refer to it as avoidance; I just found it frustrating.
During the course of my four losses (which included two ectopic pregnancies and both a first and a second-trimester miscarriage), Alex threw himself into various projects. He took up mountain biking, mapping out routes through local hills, which he left scattered around the house. He started running long distances and even volunteered for local causes that had never interested him before. One day, I found him outside scrubbing the patio. At one point, he even signed up for a disaster preparedness course, researching things like, “Can you drink pool water in an emergency?” I often wondered if his actions were a metaphor for how vulnerable he felt after our losses.
An essential activity that seemed missing from his list was communication with me. I longed to discuss our losses, but this desire clashed with his inclination to “move on.” He preferred to avoid the topic entirely, continuing with daily life as if nothing had happened. I resented his stoicism and felt like I was falling apart—mentally and physically—while he appeared too busy to grieve.
It took time and couples therapy for me to understand that Alex was grieving too, albeit in his own way. While collaborating on “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss” with my co-authors (Meredith Resnick, a clinical social worker, and Dr. Huong Diep, a psychologist), we discussed how common it is for couples to face challenges after such losses, often due to differing grieving styles. As grief expert David Kessler shared on Brené Brown’s “Unlocking Us” podcast, “I do not believe a child loss is what causes divorce; I believe judgment of each other’s grief causes divorce.”
Divorce can be a real risk for couples after a loss. A study tracking over 7,000 pregnant couples for fifteen years found that those who experienced miscarriage were 22 percent more likely to separate than those who did not, and the risk was even higher for couples who went through stillbirth. This increased likelihood of divorce could linger for up to a decade after the loss.
If you’re feeling resentment toward your partner after a pregnancy loss and want to preserve your relationship, here are some thoughts that might help:
- Remember, he lost a baby too.
While he did not carry the baby, he was just as excited about parenthood. I recall the joy in Alex’s eyes when I first told him I was pregnant. I often forgot to consider his disappointment during our losses, being too absorbed in my own grief. Fathers experience loss too; studies show that they often suppress their grief and face difficulties like employment issues and increased substance abuse. - He probably feels helpless.
Alex is a natural problem-solver, and there’s no easy solution to the grief from pregnancy loss. This uncertainty can be unsettling for partners, leading to withdrawal: “If I can’t fix this, I don’t want to deal with it.” His retreat was a reflection of his pain. - He’s likely scared as well.
At one point, Alex expressed, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He feared he might lose me irreparably and was worried I might never recover from our losses. We should have acknowledged each other’s fears to find comfort, which could have made the journey smoother. - It’s not that he doesn’t care; he’s trying to “stay strong.”
When Hilaria Baldwin shared her miscarriage publicly, her husband Alec Baldwin stated, “My wife’s happiness is my prime concern.” Men are often socialized to suppress sad or fearful emotions to maintain an appearance of strength. Understanding this helped me empathize with Alex. - Sometimes you need support from others.
Society tends to romanticize the idea of a spouse being everything, which places immense pressure on one person. Instead of dwelling on Alex’s inability to fulfill all my emotional needs, I learned to seek support from friends and family. This didn’t mean I was giving up on our marriage; it alleviated some pressure. Once I received that support, my feelings of anger toward Alex lessened, and my needs were met—sometimes by him, sometimes by others. This realization clarified what I could expect from him and what I needed to seek elsewhere. - Keep the bigger picture in mind.
Grief comes in phases, and they are just phases. Years have passed since our losses, and we now have a healthy three-year-old daughter after a smooth pregnancy. Looking back, I can say that our experiences strengthened our bond as a couple. It may sound cliché, but it’s true. Our challenges have given us confidence in our resilience together.
If you’re interested in learning more about the nuances of pregnancy and home insemination, take a look at this excellent resource on in vitro fertilisation. For more information on navigating your fertility journey, check out this article for guidance. And if you want to explore the topic further, see our post on home insemination kits.
Search Queries:
- How to cope with pregnancy loss
- Communicating with your partner after miscarriage
- Understanding grieving styles after pregnancy loss
- Support for couples after miscarriage
- Navigating fertility challenges
Summary:
After experiencing multiple pregnancy losses, I struggled with feelings of resentment toward my partner, who seemed to cope differently. Through time and therapy, I learned that he was grieving in his own way. Understanding his emotions and seeking support externally helped alleviate my anger and allowed us to grow stronger as a couple. Grief is complex, but acknowledging each other’s experiences and needs can pave the way for healing.