On February 14, 2021, Valentine’s Day, I found myself in a situation that was anything but romantic. My husband and I had taken our young children to a playground and enjoyed takeout from our favorite restaurant. To anyone watching on social media, it appeared to be a perfect day.
Yet, when the kids were napping, my husband pulled me aside to reveal that he had filed for divorce with the help of a lawyer, secured a rental home, and intended to move out within a month. It was clear he had rehearsed this moment, trying to convey what he felt was necessary. By that point, we were both emotionally depleted; I don’t think he even realized it was Valentine’s Day.
The pain I felt was profound. It was worse than miserable. During the previous year, I had been pregnant, given birth to our second daughter, managed a demanding full-time job, contracted COVID-19, and now faced a divorce—all while navigating a pandemic. I wouldn’t wish this tumultuous experience on anyone.
Although I felt blindsided and betrayed, in hindsight, his announcement was not entirely unexpected. I had been mentioning separation and the word “divorce” for over a year. My emotions had been a mix of anger and frustration, exacerbated by the challenges of pregnancy, the pressures of parenting two small children, and the isolation from pandemic restrictions. The dynamics of our interracial marriage added another layer of complexity during a time of social upheaval. Perhaps it was a combination of factors, or maybe our marriage was simply not meant to last, and the pandemic revealed that truth.
Prior to his announcement, I had harbored intense anger towards him, even joking darkly about whether he would be worth more dead than alive (to clarify, I do not wish him any harm). My anger drove me to seek out divorce resources, primarily out of concern for my children and a desire to “win” the situation, as if life were a competition. In an age of overwhelming information, dramatized depictions of divorce, and targeted ads catering to my emotional state, it was easy to spiral into a dark mindset, especially during COVID.
I began to explore resources beyond online forums. I read books, attended free county webinars on divorce, tuned into podcasts, and sought guidance from therapists and others who had navigated similar waters. Slowly, my initial intention of “winning” transformed into a journey of self-reflection. I realized that no matter what my husband had done, my focus had to be on my own actions and feelings.
I recognized that I needed to stop chasing external validation and instead cultivate my own inner light. Ultimately, I had to decide whether to stay or leave the marriage from a place of groundedness. My earlier calls for separation stemmed from anger rather than clarity. I noticed similar patterns in others going through divorces, where blame was often projected onto the spouse rather than taking responsibility for one’s own emotions and actions.
Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that I was not ready for a divorce and needed to focus on self-improvement within the marriage. Ironically, the decision was made for me in a moment that celebrated love, but perhaps this choice will turn out to be an act of love for myself.
Letting go means taking responsibility for my role in the marriage’s decline and grieving the loss of my expectations. It’s about moving forward, not just for myself but for my children as well. Whether I was 5% or 95% at fault, it doesn’t matter—everyone involved suffers in some way.
Areas for Growth
I recognized several areas where I needed to grow:
- I struggled to set and communicate emotional boundaries, which led to feelings of frustration.
- My anxiety about the future distracted me from being present.
- I became competitive instead of fostering connection, leading to resentment.
- I believed I could change my partner, which was a misguided notion fueled by my ego.
- I focused on winning arguments rather than nurturing the marriage.
- I used blame and anger as a shield for my insecurities.
- My communication regarding my feelings was lacking.
- When faced with challenges, I pushed harder instead of seeking a different approach.
Now that I have identified these behaviors, I understand that they need to change—not just for me, but for my children. Although I wish I could navigate this journey alongside my spouse, I am ready to move forward with the help of the supportive community I’ve built around me.
While I acknowledge my privileges as a soon-to-be single mother, I wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce on anyone. In moments of vulnerability, I strive to embrace my emotions with intention, honesty, and kindness. I want to continue my journey of self-actualization, showing compassion to myself as I would to others. And above all, I aim to let go.
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Summary:
The author reflects on her emotional journey through a divorce during the pandemic, identifying personal growth areas and emphasizing the importance of accountability and self-care. She shares the challenges faced in her marriage and the lessons learned about vulnerability, communication, and letting go.