Like many others, I experienced weight gain during quarantine. Interestingly, I began this period lighter than usual for reasons unrelated to dieting. My journey with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) has been challenging; when managed well, I lose weight, but when it flares up, the pounds add on. It’s worth noting that pregnancy has always led to significant weight loss for me, as PCOS doesn’t seem to play a role during that time. This complexity around weight is a reminder that it’s not just about calories in and out; fat individuals shouldn’t be constantly told that the solution is simply a salad!
When the pandemic began, I found myself at a lower weight than I had seen in years, primarily due to having a newborn. However, I struggled with my feelings about this weight loss. It’s frustrating how society often equates smaller bodies with greater beauty and value. While I don’t mind a smaller size, I have been working diligently to separate my self-worth from my weight. If I derive my worth from being lighter, then gaining weight could lead to feelings of inadequacy and despair — something I can’t allow.
For over a year, my family has taken every precaution regarding COVID-19, which has resulted in spending most of our time at home. I’ve concentrated on various aspects of life, and my body size hasn’t been a priority. Consequently, my weight has fluctuated, and I find myself back at my usual size, a bit heavier than a year ago.
Having grown up in a culture obsessed with dieting, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t initially disheartened to see the scale rise again. Each added pound felt like a step away from the thin ideal society promotes. However, I have moved beyond that mindset, realizing that the effort I’ve put into dissociating my body size from my inherent value has been invaluable.
Through this journey, I’ve come to understand that my feelings about my body are intertwined with childhood experiences, and it’s vital to acknowledge that my body was worthy then, just as it is now. In the past, I mistakenly equated hunger with moral superiority, believing that the longer I went without eating, the better I was as a person. This harmful mindset must change. Hunger is simply my body’s way of signaling its need for nourishment — and everyone, including those with bigger bodies, deserves to eat when hungry, especially during a pandemic where access to food might be easier than it used to be.
Moreover, the constant negative messaging about larger bodies has made me fearful of gaining weight, worried I would be seen as a failure or unattractive. It’s essential to remember that my worth and beauty aren’t contingent on fitting into a constantly shifting and often unattainable ideal.
A couple of weeks ago, I visited my doctor for a non-weight-related issue. When the nurse called me in, I requested to skip the scale, knowing I’d gained weight and didn’t want to deal with it on a day when I was already anxious about my health. Thankfully, she agreed. During my appointment, my doctor focused on my overall health and well-being instead of my weight. I began to explain my concerns about the scale, but she stopped me and said, “Don’t worry about it today. Your health is good, and we need to focus on what matters right now.”
This experience reinforced that accepting changes in our bodies during unprecedented times is crucial — it’s not just good advice; it’s what medical professionals advocate for. If you’ve put on a few pandemic pounds, know that you’re not alone and deserve grace. Embracing your body as a living, adapting organism brings freedom.
So, you’ve gained some weight. So what? Your body is not a reflection of your worth; it’s proof you’ve navigated a global health crisis while ensuring your own nourishment. In a world where we’ve lost so many to this virus, the fact that you’re still here is a victory.
I’m thankful to acknowledge that I’m okay with my own changes as well.
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In summary, the journey through weight gain during quarantine has been enlightening. It has reinforced the importance of understanding that our bodies are dynamic and that our worth is not defined by our size. Embracing our changing selves is essential, particularly during challenging times.