“Did you know that when Dad and I tie the knot, I’ll be your step-mum?” I caught the basketball he threw my way, cradling it against my stomach as I bent down to meet his gaze, curious about his reaction. At seven years old, I wondered how much my soon-to-be stepson truly understood. He had been enthusiastically playing pretend weddings with his toys, but it can be tricky to gauge feelings with a shy child.
“Actually, you’ll be my only mum,” he replied softly.
I had never envisioned myself raising boys. Before becoming a parent, I prayed for daughters, fearing that I would be overwhelmed by the energy and chaos that seemed to accompany little boys. The thought of constantly reprimanding them and dealing with the mess made me anxious. I grew up surrounded by sisters and was comfortable in that world. To my relief, when my kids finally arrived, they were both girls.
When I began dating my partner a couple of years back, I knew he had a young son, which made me apprehensive. Initially, we kept our relationship under wraps, wanting to ensure it was serious before introducing the kids. I suspected his son could sense something was amiss, as I often caught him watching me curiously. I tried to respect their father-son time while adjusting to the idea of becoming a stepmom myself. However, as we spent more time together, I found myself eager to win his affection. I started to think that raising boys might not be as daunting as I had imagined, even though I still felt a bit lost.
Instead of being rambunctious, my stepson is a thoughtful and quiet child. He tends to be reserved, even with family, so I felt truly honored when he began to relax around me. One day at the pool, while my partner and his son were playfully splashing each other, my stepson swam over, wrapped his little arms around my neck, and whispered, “Let’s push Dad underwater! Don’t tell him!” His giggle was infectious. In that moment, he made me his co-conspirator, and my heart melted. Later, I shared the story with my partner.
“He’s finally warming up to you!” he said, beaming. It had taken time, but my stepson was beginning to accept me.
I often reflect on whether his initial wariness stemmed from me being a mother figure. His birth mother transitioned to a man when he was very young, and he doesn’t remember having a mother. For him, I’m his only notion of a mum. My partner usually receives the Mother’s Day crafts and cards from school, but last year, there were none. Maybe the school recognized how complicated these days can be for some children.
When my stepson said, “You’ll be my only mum,” it struck me. While I have no idea how to be a boy’s mum, he doesn’t have any real understanding of what a mum is like either. His examples of motherhood come from movies, TV shows, and the mothers of his friends, none of whom I’ve met. In films, mothers often have tragic outcomes, which has become a running joke with my daughters. “Wait for it,” we say before a sad scene, “the mother’s going to die.” It’s so common that my youngest once asked me, “When are you going to die, Mommy?” She believed it was a fate all mothers faced. At least mothers in movies are often shown as loving, but I worry that if my stepson has seen any portrayals of stepmoms, he might have a very different perception.
A few months back, after two years of dating, my partner and I finally got married. My stepson was excited, albeit in his understated way. I learned to pick up on his subtle hints. I could see how thrilled he was with his new “grown-up” shoes, just like Dad’s, and the significance of being entrusted with the rings. We decided to have just our kids at the front with us; our daughters served as bridesmaids and flower girls, while my stepson looked dapper in his pinstriped vest and navy tie.
After the ceremony, as guests enjoyed chocolate wedding cake, I found my stepson sitting quietly by himself at the front. “You’re my son now,” I said with a smile. “My only son.” He nodded in agreement. “What does a stepmum do?” I asked with a silly face. “I guess I have to kick you and wipe snot on you?”—a classic reference for him. He laughed and replied, “No! I do that to you!”
I chuckled and sat beside him. “What do only sons do? Do they make Mother’s Day cards?”
“I don’t know,” he said.
“Neither do I,” I agreed, and we sat in comfortable silence, watching the stage.
Three weeks after our wedding, we were enjoying dinner together when my stepson announced, “Oh yeah, I should start calling you by your new name.”
“What name?” I asked, expecting something humorous.
“Mum, of course,” he said matter-of-factly.
I guess, together, we’ll discover what that truly means for us.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of becoming a stepmom is a journey filled with both challenges and tender moments. As I step into this new role, I’m learning what it means to him and to us as a family.