“What’s wrong with you?”
For many adult children of alcoholics (ACAs), such words can be incredibly harmful and overwhelming. Personally, I never knew how to react. I would often feel anger and defensiveness rising within me, triggered by the fear of being exposed: I’m a fraud — a flawed, broken person unworthy of the love I’ve always sought.
For ACAs, perfectionism becomes a coping mechanism in relationships — a way to reinvent ourselves as self-sufficient and unaffected by our turbulent pasts. Our self-worth hinges on fulfilling our partner’s needs, often morphing ourselves into whatever they require to avoid their criticism and our own self-judgment.
Growing up in chaotic environments devoid of consistent emotional support set the groundwork for our perfectionist tendencies. We felt immense pressure to avoid mistakes, fearing that our flawed selves were unworthy of love and connection. As adults, this perfectionism offers a false sense of control, often rewarded in professional settings but detrimental in intimate relationships. In our quest to be the perfect partner, we frequently neglect our own needs, driven by a desire to maintain security and control.
Our fundamental goal is to hide our perceived flaws, leading us to navigate relationships on our terms. Unfortunately, this approach often blocks us from experiencing the deep connections we genuinely seek. Although perfectionism may seem like a quest for greatness, for ACAs, it’s more about escaping the shame and unworthiness that relentlessly pursue us.
We become adept at hiding the less desirable aspects of ourselves, crafting a facade that we wear into relationships. At the beginning of a relationship, this can create a sense of safety; however, as time passes, maintaining this facade becomes increasingly difficult. With little experience in healthy relationships, we often lack the vulnerability needed to foster them, leading us to impose unrealistic expectations on ourselves and our partners.
As the illusion of perfection begins to crumble, anxiety and pressure mount. We tie our emotional well-being to the unrealistic standards we’ve set, so mistakes become serious threats to our ability to function within the relationship. Criticism feels like confirmation that we are failing to meet our partner’s needs, reigniting childhood feelings of low self-esteem, isolation, anxiety, and depression.
As we confront our flaws and imperfections, we are forced to abandon the fantasy of a perfect relationship. Many of us struggle to understand why we face such challenges and why the intimate connections we desire feel out of reach. Unknowingly, we continue to replicate the unhealthy patterns learned during childhood, which seep into our adult relationships.
We spend so much time battling shame and imperfection that we often overlook the value of vulnerability — the key to forming fulfilling relationships. By learning to communicate openly about our struggles, fears, and mistakes, we can cultivate trust in ourselves and with others.
It’s time to let go of our fears and embrace our imperfections — they make us unique and authentic. Instead of hiding from our mistakes, we can recognize them as opportunities for growth, ultimately becoming better partners over time. If we summon the courage to confront our long-standing issues and accept ourselves as we are, we can be loved not in spite of our imperfections but because of them.
For more insights, check out this related article on our blog, which delves into the experiences of adult children of alcoholics. Additionally, if you’re looking for authoritative information, resources from Progyny provide excellent guidance on pregnancy and home insemination.