A few weeks ago, I organized a small, pandemic-friendly birthday celebration for my daughter’s fourth birthday. With the aim of creating a joyful experience amid a challenging year, I dedicated myself to the preparations. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and crafted a somewhat lopsided masterpiece. She wanted a piñata, so I scoured Pinterest for ideas and nearly injured myself in the process. I also gathered princess-themed crafts, an eye-popping dress, and a collection of gaudy jewelry.
On the day of the celebration, my daughter had a blast. She beamed with excitement over her dress, indulged in cake, and ensured that her friends left with the least appealing pieces of jewelry. However, she seemed to completely overlook my involvement in the festivities.
Before the party, I hadn’t anticipated any particular expressions of gratitude from her—after all, she’s just four and still learning about manners. But when she spent the entire party evading me, even running away when I tried to snap a picture with her, it stung a bit.
Once her friends had gone, she immediately retreated to her room to play with her new jewelry box—alone. Anxiously, I turned to my husband and asked, “Do you think she enjoyed it?” He reassured me, saying, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m confident she liked it.”
Interestingly, my husband faced the same treatment from our daughter throughout the day, and it didn’t seem to bother him at all. Perhaps he possesses a deeper understanding of child development, something I later learned about from Janet Lansbury, which highlights that young children often lack the capacity to express or even comprehend appreciation.
It’s also essential to recognize that my daughter has spent nearly a year in quarantine. Having a party, even a small one with a couple of friends, was likely overwhelming for her. It makes sense that she was too preoccupied with the activities, friends, and sugar rush to care about my presence or acknowledge the efforts that went into the celebration.
In essence, her indifference had little to do with me or her opinion about the party; it was all about her and her age. While I may currently juggle the roles of a stay-at-home mom with a knack for cake and piñata-making, for the previous decade, I was a middle school English teacher. Like many educators, I often sought approval in the wrong places.
Each year, I taught around 120 students, some of whom liked me, while others did not. I often found myself fixating on the negative feedback. If a student disliked me, I’d obsess over it. If a parent was unhappy, I would panic. And if a colleague or administrator didn’t approve of my work, it felt devastating.
However, after having my first child, I became too fatigued to let those opinions weigh me down. I still let things affect me, often venting to my husband about minor grievances, but I started to feel a shift in my sensitivity.
Later that evening, a friend texted me, sharing how much she enjoyed the lopsided cake in our backyard and even asked how I made the piñata, which filled me with pride. In that moment, a revelation hit me: my daughter is just four years old. She isn’t in charge of my self-worth or parenting evaluation (she can’t even write a proper letter G!). Why was I allowing her perceived feedback to shape my feelings about my parenting and party planning?
Ultimately, I took the time to plan a special event for my daughter. I cleaned the house, baked a cake, and even had my husband complete the piñata after my little mishap. I demonstrated to her that she is loved and valued, and that should be enough to let me rest easy at night.
It’s tempting to let the unpredictable ways in which kids respond to us dictate our self-assessment as parents, but that approach doesn’t serve us well. Just as I wouldn’t allow a thirteen-year-old critique my teaching on parallel structure (which I happen to excel at), I shouldn’t let my daughter’s indifference shake my confidence in my parenting choices.
As my children grow, they will undoubtedly have varying opinions—both enthusiastic and indifferent—about how my husband and I choose to raise them. While it’s common to seek constructive feedback, it’s equally important to trust ourselves.
As I plan my son’s upcoming second birthday party, I feel empowered by the realization that I can focus less on external opinions and more on what I believe is best for my family. Even if my son ends up allergic to something at the petting zoo or suddenly decides he wants a pony cake instead of a construction one, my efforts, love, and care for him on his birthday—and every day—are what truly matter.
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Summary
This article discusses the importance of not allowing children’s opinions to dictate parental feelings or self-worth. Through a personal narrative about planning a birthday party, the author reflects on the challenges of seeking validation from kids and emphasizes the need for parents to trust their instincts and efforts, regardless of how their children respond.