Humans are not as intricate as we often believe. However, without self-awareness and a basic comprehension of our behaviors and thoughts, we can easily complicate our lives unnecessarily. For instance, when your manager suggests revisions to a project and you immediately feel defensive, choosing to delay your work despite knowing they are correct, you engage in self-sabotage that squanders both time and energy.
You may have experienced a similar scenario with your child. When you request them to complete a task, their immediate response may be resistance and argumentation instead of compliance. Why do we react this way? It’s due to a psychological phenomenon known as reactance.
Psychological reactance is that instinctive response to resist doing something when instructed. It’s that inner voice that digs in its heels, turns away, crosses its arms, and firmly declares, “Nope. Not doing it.” This reaction can occur even when the task is something we actually want or need to do.
It’s important to distinguish this from Oppositional Defiant Disorder, where children and teenagers actively defy authority and rules. Reactance arises from the feeling that our autonomy is being threatened. This instinct serves as a protective mechanism, triggering adrenaline that prompts us to either fight back or flee.
When someone gives us an order, our brains perceive it as a threat to our personal freedom. We feel like trapped prey, compelled to respond. Reactance acts like an overprotective friend, devising an escape plan while our behavior may become defiant or even aggressive, as we seek to reclaim lost control.
This response is valuable in genuinely dangerous situations. If someone coerces you into a suspicious scenario, your instinct to say “no” is beneficial. However, many times, the perceived threat isn’t real, and we should appreciate our primitive instincts for their protective efforts, then adjust our mindset and actions accordingly.
Consider how we often do this to ourselves. We might arrange a walk with a friend, set aside time to tidy up an unruly room, or commit to a gym session. Despite wanting to engage in these activities and having planned for them, we often have to persuade ourselves to follow through, making excuses instead of sticking to our intentions.
Author Samira Torres explains that this happens because, in those moments, it feels as though we’re receiving orders from our past selves. This creates a sense of frustration, leading us to act hypocritically—promising to do something but then failing to execute when the time arrives. Torres emphasizes the importance of reframing our thoughts. Instead of viewing tasks as obligations, we should see them as opportunities. This shift in perspective restores a sense of control, even though we had control all along.
The pandemic magnified these feelings of uncertainty, making many of us feel threatened and out of control. This contributed to resistance against wearing masks, with many perceiving mask mandates as an infringement on personal freedom. Yet, some reframed this narrative, viewing masks as a means to protect themselves and others, thus gaining a sense of agency in a challenging time.
Children exhibit reactance as well. When asked to brush their teeth, prepare for school, or wear a jacket in cold weather, they often resist immediately. As a parent, I’ve learned to pick my battles, but I also find that offering my kids choices helps them comply with necessary tasks. While the options are ultimately mine, asking them to choose whether to pick up toys now or before dinner gives them a sense of autonomy.
We inherently resist being told what to do, even when it’s in our best interest. Recognizing this reactance within ourselves can help us lower our defenses before they escalate, enabling us to accept guidance and suggestions from others without feeling threatened. If we struggle too much with external input that only challenges our ego, we may face natural consequences.
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