When I learned about the tragic deaths of eight innocent individuals in Atlanta, six of whom were Asian women, I felt a deep sense of despair. The recent surge of violence and discrimination against people who look like my family was reaching a frightening peak. A torrent of worries flooded my mind. Was this a pivotal moment? Would the situation deteriorate even further?
After discussing my feelings and fears with my wife, who is Caucasian, we decided that I should talk to our older kids about these disturbing events. Explaining such senseless acts of violence to children is challenging, but I had navigated similar tough discussions before, including topics like the murder of George Floyd and the Capitol insurrection.
My wife and I want our children to understand the context of current events, particularly those that relate to our family’s values around social justice and our biracial identity. While I may not have the perfect words, I believe that having difficult conversations is far better than leaving them uninformed or relying solely on hearsay.
I didn’t want to rush into the conversation, so I took a day to process my emotions. I wanted to ensure I could discuss these events without becoming overwhelmed or instilling fear in them. The next day, I sat down with my two oldest daughters, ages 10 and 8, and shared something troubling that had happened.
I tailored the explanation to their understanding, sharing that a man had killed eight people, notably that six of them were Asian women. I expressed my sorrow over the loss of life and pointed out that some victims looked like us. I reminded them of our previous discussions about hatred and violence against Asians, especially during the pandemic.
As I concluded, I faced the hardest moment. I wanted to end on a hopeful note, so I reassured them that they would be safe. I had no way of knowing this for sure, but it felt necessary to say. To provide further comfort, I mentioned that these events occurred far away on the other side of the country.
Once our conversation wrapped up, I realized I had been dishonest. I couldn’t guarantee their safety. In fact, reports from Stop AAPI Hate indicate a rise in hate incidents, even in our state of California. Just the week before, I had learned about an attack on an Asian man in Temple City, which is close to our home. Beyond physical violence, my family could face verbal harassment, online abuse, and other forms of discrimination.
Why did I tell my kids they would be okay? Firstly, I felt a strong need to protect them. As a parent, I aim to prepare my children for the challenges life may present. While I wanted to inform them about these harsh realities, I didn’t want to instill paralyzing fear. So, I lied and said they would be fine.
Secondly, as an Asian man, I often suppress my feelings. I didn’t want to burden my kids with the anger and sadness I felt toward those committing these acts of violence. I worried about losing control over my emotions, so I told them they would be okay.
Lastly, I lacked a clear understanding of what could be done to address the ongoing issues of anti-Asian violence. If I had known of specific initiatives to combat this, I would have shared that hope with my children. Instead, I felt like the responsibility lay solely on the shoulders of the Asian community. The best I could offer were vague reassurances. So, I lied and told them they would be okay.
I long for the day when I can confidently tell my children they will be safe without it being a lie. In my darkest moments, I fear that day may never come. Yet, in my more hopeful moments, I believe that families like ours can contribute to the necessary changes through our voices and actions.
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In summary, as a father, I grapple with the challenge of reassuring my children in a world filled with uncertainty and violence, particularly against our Asian community. While I strive to protect them from fear, I must also face the harsh realities that exist and find ways to empower them in the face of adversity.