It was February 14, 2021—Valentine’s Day. My husband and I had taken our young children to a playground and ordered takeout from our favorite eatery. To an outsider on social media, it seemed like a delightful day.
However, when the kids were down for their naps, my husband pulled me aside and revealed that he had filed for divorce, hired an attorney, and secured a rental home with a move-in date set for the following month. His words felt rehearsed; he was struggling to communicate the gravity of the situation. We were both so emotionally drained at that point that I doubt he even remembered the significance of the day.
The pain I experienced was profound—miserable didn’t even begin to describe it. In the span of a single year, I had been pregnant, given birth to my second daughter, managed a demanding job, contracted COVID, and now faced a divorce—all while navigating a pandemic. It was a harrowing rollercoaster I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
While I felt blindsided, the Valentine’s announcement wasn’t entirely unexpected. For over a year, I had been suggesting a separation and had hinted at divorce. My emotions had been a turbulent mix of anger and frustration—perhaps fueled by pregnancy hormones, anxiety about COVID, the challenges of raising two small children, work pressures, a cramped living space, and the isolation brought on by lockdowns. Our families, while well-meaning, often added fuel to the fire, and the complexities of an interracial marriage in a polarized society only intensified the strain. Ultimately, it became clear that our marriage might not be salvageable.
In the months leading up to his announcement, I harbored a lot of anger towards him, joking at times about whether he’d be better off dead or alive (I want to clarify that I never wished him harm). During this tumultuous period, I sought out resources on divorce, particularly concerned about our children and how to shield them from the fallout. There was also a part of me that wanted to “win,” as if life were a competition.
In a world overflowing with information, dramatized divorce narratives, targeted advertisements based on my late-night internet searches, and an entire industry profiting off divorce, it was easy to spiral into a dark place—especially during a pandemic.
Gradually, I began to expand my understanding of divorce beyond online forums. I explored books, participated in free webinars, listened to divorce-focused podcasts, consulted with a therapist, joined a Zoom support group, and reached out to others who had gone through similar experiences. As I engaged in this journey for knowledge, a shift occurred. I began to turn inward. It became clear that the focus should not be on my husband but on my own actions and emotions.
It didn’t matter what he had done or how justified my anger was; all I could control was my response. By sitting with my feelings, I hoped to find clarity and strength from within, rather than constantly seeking validation from external sources. It was time to stop chasing fleeting moments of happiness and start cultivating my own inner light.
Deciding whether to stay in the marriage or leave had to come from a place of self-awareness. Upon reflection, I realized that my previous calls for separation were fueled by anger rather than a grounded understanding of what I truly wanted. I noticed similar patterns in others undergoing divorce: blaming one’s partner while failing to recognize personal contributions to the relationship’s breakdown.
In the end, I determined that I wasn’t ready for divorce and needed to focus on personal growth within the marriage. Ironically, the decision was made for me on a day that celebrates love. Perhaps this unexpected turn will ultimately lead to the greatest act of self-love.
Learning to let go involves accepting responsibility for my actions, mourning the loss of what I envisioned for my marriage, and taking steps toward a brighter future for myself and my children. It doesn’t matter if I was 5% or 95% to blame; in the end, we all face loss in some form. My accountability lies in several areas:
- I struggled to set and communicate emotional boundaries, leading to feelings of frustration.
- I allowed fears about the future to distract me from being present.
- I became competitive instead of collaborative, resulting in resentment.
- I believed I could change my partner, driven by ego rather than love.
- I fought to win arguments rather than working toward a solution for our marriage.
- I used anger as a shield to mask my own insecurities.
- I was ineffective at sharing my vulnerabilities with him.
- Instead of addressing issues collaboratively, I often escalated problems instead of seeking resolution.
Now that I recognize these behaviors, I understand they must change—not just for my own sake but for my children’s as well. It will take time, and while I regret not being able to navigate this journey alongside my spouse, I am grateful for the community I’ve built for support.
Although I acknowledge my privilege as a soon-to-be single mother, I wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce on anyone. In moments of doubt, I will strive to embrace vulnerability with intention, honesty, and kindness. I will continue on my path of self-discovery and learn to be as compassionate toward myself as I am to others—and most importantly, I will learn to let go.
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Summary
The author shares their harrowing experience of navigating a divorce amidst a pandemic, revealing the emotional turmoil and personal revelations that emerged during this time. They reflect on their contributions to the marital breakdown, the importance of self-awareness, and the necessity of letting go as they strive for a brighter future for themselves and their children.