Gary Chapman, the author of the well-known concept of the five love languages, outlines ways in which individuals express heartfelt commitment to one another. Introduced in 1992, these love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. It’s suggested that everyone has a primary love language that resonates most deeply with them, making them feel appreciated and valued.
Since the release of his first book on love languages, Chapman has published ten more works on the topic, selling over 12 million copies of the original title and translating it into 50 languages. His influence has not only made him wealthy but has also transformed how people across the globe discuss relationships.
On my bookshelf, just a few feet away, sits a copy of “The Five Love Languages for Children,” nestled between parenting guides. Just last week, I shared a tweet with my partner discussing their love language. I strive to express my love in ways that resonate with them, and they do the same for me.
Even those unfamiliar with Chapman’s writings often encounter the idea of love languages in daily conversations. The terminology provides a useful framework for discussing how we express love. Many of us who have attempted to adapt our behaviors to meet the emotional needs of our loved ones have benefited from these concepts.
However, troubling revelations about Chapman have surfaced recently, revealing his homophobic views. For instance, when addressing a question from a parent struggling with their child’s homosexuality, he stated:
“Disappointment is a common emotion when a parent hears one of their children indicate that he/she is gay. Men and women are made for each other—it is God’s design. Anything other than that is outside of that primary design of God.”
Chapman emphasizes that parents should express their disappointment while asserting their love, suggesting they encourage their children to seek counseling or do further reading on their identity.
His advice subtly shifts the focus from unconditional love to conditional acceptance, further complicating the conversation around love and identity. In essence, he proposes that one can “demonstrate love” while still harboring disapproval, which is inherently contradictory.
This perspective can be deeply hurtful to those who identify as LGBTQ+. For many, being told “I love you, but I don’t approve of your lifestyle” dismisses the core of their identity. Love should not come with qualifiers; it should be unconditional and affirming.
For those feeling disillusioned by Chapman’s teachings but still seeking to foster better relationships, I recommend exploring the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They emphasize understanding your partner’s unique emotional needs and adapting your expressions of love accordingly, recognizing that love languages can vary based on context.
While I find value in the concept of love languages, especially in my own queer relationship, I will no longer support Chapman’s work. It’s crucial to challenge outdated and damaging beliefs surrounding love and acceptance. Love is not a source of shame or disappointment; it is a reason for celebration.
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In summary, while Gary Chapman’s ideas on love languages have influenced many, his homophobic stances reveal the limitations of his teachings. True love should be unconditional and accepting, celebrating all identities. For those looking for a more inclusive approach to relationships, the Gottmans offer valuable insights that adapt to the complexities of love.