Dear Sarah and Mike,
It feels strange to address you as my parents. In my heart, I’ve never truly had parents. You may have been physically present, but emotionally, you were absent.
For years, I’ve wrestled with anger. You were right; I do struggle with my emotions. Being taught to suppress negative feelings, shamed for expressing hurt, and manipulated into doubting my own reality has certainly affected my ability to process anger. You instilled in me the belief that anger equated to being a bad person. Yet, you were often volatile and verbally abusive, leaving me confused about my own feelings. You made me question my sanity and wonder if I was somehow evil or unworthy of existence.
More than anything, I’ve grappled with anger towards myself. Why wasn’t I lovable enough? Why didn’t I measure up? Your teachings led me to believe that my inadequacies were my fault. You made sure I internalized that you were never to blame. I have excelled at holding myself accountable for your actions against me, but I was just a child. You were the adults, and it was never my responsibility.
I know I wasn’t a perfect child and at times I caused you stress. However, that was never my fault. You remain in the wrong here.
For so long, I’ve hoped for genuine apologies. I would consider reconnecting if I believed you had truly changed. But your apologies feel empty. You utter them because you think that’s what’s expected, not because you genuinely feel remorse. You want me to overlook the past and revert to our previous dynamic.
What you fail to grasp is that your “normal” is far from normal. I never want to return to that place of self-loathing and fear. Your apologies are more painful than silence. It’s clear you don’t believe that parents should apologize to their children. When your apologies come with the demand to accept them without further emotion, it reinforces my belief that change is impossible. You believe parents are always right, and children should respect them unconditionally.
I did respect you. But respect is earned, and I feel that disrespect is what you have cultivated. While I would never be cruel, I cannot muster respect for those who repeatedly harm their own children, taking advantage of their forgiveness instead of recognizing the privilege of a second chance.
The last time we spoke, Sarah, you made a passive-aggressive remark: “I hope nothing ever goes wrong with your children.” I understood your intention. You secretly wish my own children will distance themselves from me, so I can grasp your perspective and absolve you of your actions. Mike, in your last letter, you lamented about the challenges of parenting, hoping I would struggle too and see that it’s not your fault.
Those words were deeply hurtful and invalidating. They shattered any hope I had for your change.
And yet, I want to express my gratitude. Thank you, Sarah and Mike, for illustrating the importance of adults apologizing to children. Thank you for showing me that respect is not a given for parents. Thank you for demonstrating that parents are accountable for their actions, no matter how challenging their lives may be. Thank you for clarifying that apologies must be sincere and coupled with actions that affirm a child’s sense of safety and trust.
I appreciate these lessons because if I hurt my children, I will ensure it doesn’t echo our experience. I won’t hesitate to admit my wrongs or acknowledge their maturity. My children will know they can speak to me openly, without fear of being gaslit. When they think of safety and open dialogue, I want them to think of their mother.
Thank you for teaching me how NOT to do it.
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Summary:
The author reflects on their experiences with abusive parents, expressing feelings of anger and confusion stemming from emotional neglect. They detail the impact of being taught to suppress emotions and the lasting effects of their parents’ behavior. The author acknowledges the importance of sincere apologies and accountability in parenting, vowing to do better for their own children.