Relief is a profound emotion that many experience, often surfacing after a release from stress or turmoil. It can feel refreshing, much like the first whiff of blooming flowers. However, it’s not a typical sentiment associated with grief, especially when it comes to the passing of a loved one. Yet, for me, the death of my mother in June evoked a sense of comfort and even happiness—a complex mix of respite and reprieve.
My mother was a multifaceted individual who battled mental health issues and addiction in her later years. Her harsh demeanor often overshadowed the good. She had a tendency to express her frustration with expletives and was undeniably abusive. For 36 years, I endured her emotional manipulation and verbal assaults, and her passing provided a sense of closure I had long sought.
I grapple with feelings of shame and anger over my initial reaction. Who feels relief at the death of their mother? To comprehend my feelings, one must first understand the intricacies of her character and the nature of our strained relationship.
My mother struggled with untreated depression, which marred many of my childhood memories. She often berated me, labeling me as a disappointment and a mistake. Her reliance on alcohol in her fifties only exacerbated our troubled relationship. Despite not harboring hatred towards her, I deeply disliked the person she had become.
Maintaining a relationship with her meant I was trapped in a cycle of trauma, never feeling adequate. Loving someone with an addiction is incredibly challenging. I felt burdened with the responsibility to help her, which is why, when I received the call that she was “missing” on June 24th, I remained calm. The possibility of her death brought relief, as it signified an end to the suffering—for both of us.
When I arrived at her apartment, I prepared myself for what I might find. It wasn’t fear that made me take a deep breath before entering; it was the realization that I could finally exhale. I knew that if I discovered her there, she would finally be at peace, and I would feel a sense of safety.
I never wished for her death. I often reflect on how things might have been different if she were still alive. I mourn the relationship we never had and the moments we will never share. Despite feeling relief, I also carry a weight of guilt for not being able to save her or our relationship.
As I learned, relief in the face of grief is not uncommon, yet it often feels like a dirty secret. An article from What’s Your Grief highlights that many people feel ashamed of experiencing relief after a loss. Emotions aren’t mutually exclusive; one can feel multiple things about different aspects of a situation.
There’s no correct way to grieve. Understanding this didn’t lessen the intensity of my feelings, but it did offer some comfort. If you find yourself navigating the complexities of grief after losing a complicated loved one, know that your feelings are valid. You are not alone in this experience.
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In summary, my journey through grief is marked by a conflicting sense of relief and guilt, a testament to the complexities of familial relationships impacted by mental illness and addiction. Recognizing that these feelings are not uncommon can provide solace to others in similar situations.