Like many others, I found myself gaining weight during the quarantine. To be honest, I started this period at a lower weight than usual, not due to any dieting but because of various life circumstances. I have a condition known as polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which can be unpredictable. When it’s well-managed, I tend to lose weight, but when symptoms flare up, the opposite occurs. Interestingly, I experienced significant weight loss during my pregnancies, as PCOS tends to take a backseat then. It’s complicated, and the narrative that simply eating less would solve everything is far too simplistic!
When the pandemic began, I was at a weight I hadn’t seen in years, thanks to a newborn and my body adjusting. However, I grappled with the societal pressures that made me feel more valued or attractive at a smaller size. It’s not that I don’t have my own desires regarding my body size; I just want to ensure that I separate my self-worth from my weight. I realized that if I tied my value to being lighter, any weight gain would inevitably lead to feelings of worthlessness. I simply cannot afford to let my weight dictate my self-appreciation.
For the past year, my family has taken extensive precautions against COVID-19, which meant spending a lot of time at home. I concentrated on various aspects of life, and my body size wasn’t a priority. Naturally, my weight has fluctuated, and I find myself back at my usual size, which has both its challenges and revelations.
Having grown up in a culture obsessed with dieting, I won’t deny that seeing the scale rise again was initially disheartening. Each pound felt like a step away from the so-called “ideal” body. However, I’ve since moved past that negative mindset. It’s been immensely rewarding to disconnect my body size from my identity. I recognize the scars from childhood that still affect my self-image, and I’ve come to understand that my worthiness isn’t determined by my weight.
I used to equate feeling hungry with moral superiority; the longer I could go without food, the better I thought I was, especially as a woman. This mindset is not only harmful but also unhealthy. It’s crucial to remember that hunger signals a need for nourishment, and everyone, regardless of size, deserves to eat when they are hungry. During these pandemic times, it’s more than okay to respond to those hunger cues.
I’ve also been influenced by persistent negative messages about larger bodies, which made me fearful of weight gain, worried about how I would be perceived. But I am learning that my beauty and success do not hinge on fitting into a fluctuating ideal that many struggle to attain.
Recently, I had a doctor’s appointment for an unrelated issue. When the nurse called my name, I asked if we could skip the scale that day. I already knew I had gained weight and didn’t want to confront it with my anxiety levels high. To my relief, she agreed. When I finally saw my doctor, she didn’t bring up my weight. I started to explain my reluctance about the scale, but she stopped me and said, “Let’s not focus on that today. You’re healthy, you’ve got three kids, and you’ve been home with them for a year. If you want to address weight later, we can do that then.” Her words were a reminder that accepting changes in our bodies during extraordinary times is not just advisable; it’s necessary.
If you’ve put on a few extra pounds during this pandemic, know that you’re not alone, and it’s important to show yourself kindness. Understanding your body as a living, adaptable entity can bring a sense of freedom. A few extra pounds are not a sign of failure but rather evidence that you’ve taken care of yourself during a tough time. Many have lost loved ones to this virus, but you’re still here, and that alone is worth celebrating. It’s okay if there’s a little more of you than there was a year ago. I’m grateful to acknowledge that there’s a little more of me too.
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In summary, gaining weight during quarantine has been a journey of self-discovery for many. It’s essential to recognize that our worth is not tied to our size. Taking care of ourselves, both physically and emotionally, is paramount, especially during challenging times.