Every day, I remind myself that today is a fresh start. Today, I will finally tackle the ever-growing list of articles I owe to various publications. Today, I will try to remain unaffected by headlines or businesses profiting from Asian culture while staying silent about the ongoing anti-Asian violence, especially after the tragic events in Atlanta.
Perhaps today, I won’t feel the need to suppress my panic, grief, or anger, nor will I retreat from social media—especially not from group chats—triggered by someone sharing yet another heartbreaking story of anti-Asian racism or misogyny.
I wish to be left uninformed; I am not okay.
Gratitude for Support
I truly appreciate my friends who have reached out, particularly my friends of color and those who identify as women. Their concern has been unwavering ever since the initial signs of anti-Asian sentiment began to emerge with the onset of COVID-19. Yet, when they ask how they can assist or support me, I find myself at a loss for words.
What can I tell them? I don’t need financial help. I’m not selling anything. I have a good support network. On the surface, I seem fine. As a friend put it, “You are not in any imminent danger.”
But sometimes, it feels as though I am on the brink of imminent danger. Sometimes, it feels like this country is intent on putting me, my mother, and my children in harm’s way. Not just Asians, but all people of color, women of color, and LGBTQIA+ individuals are at risk.
A Need for Change
I grapple with how to communicate this to my friends because there is no quick fix. While I appreciate their check-ins and supportive words, they are merely a temporary solution to a profound issue. How can I articulate the need to dismantle white supremacy and patriarchy? Such monumental change cannot be achieved in a single day or even a year—if it were that simple, wouldn’t it have already happened?
And how can I share this without providing resources? People ask how they can learn more about anti-Asian hate, Asian American history, and the importance of allyship between Asian and Black individuals. These are valuable inquiries, but I feel an obligation to share information because I have platforms that others may not. Yet, I am exhausted.
An Ongoing Struggle
I fear that the forces of white patriarchy aim to crush me more than I can withstand. I worry that their hatred overwhelms my capacity for love, as they seem willing to do whatever it takes to suppress me—while I struggle with the idea of becoming monstrous in my resistance.
Why is it so difficult to illustrate how to help? Because this issue is systemic, and I lack the energy to provide a detailed explanation. I am done defending my humanity.
I, along with my fellow Asian women and female-presenting individuals, and my nine-year-old daughter—my fierce and beloved child—are often viewed as expendable. We live in fear when we should feel safe. We are exoticized, fetishized, and too often disbelieved in our right to exist.
The Weight of Emotion
I feel shattered, as if I’m a cracked windshield waiting for the final blow to shatter completely. I am filled with anger, sadness, fear—I am human, and I do not apologize for these feelings.
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Summary:
In a world filled with systemic racism and violence, many Asian individuals are struggling with feelings of fear and anger. Support from friends is appreciated, but the challenges they face are complex and not easily resolved. The emotional toll is significant, leaving many feeling vulnerable and unsafe.