This past summer, my eldest son had a serious accident with his car just nine days shy of being allowed to have friends ride along. Here, the rules state that teens can’t have passengers under 21 (with the exception of siblings) until they’ve held their license for nine months.
He told me he was heading to Subway for a sub, which I believed. He’s a fan of meatball subs, and after being cooped up due to COVID-19, I thought it would be harmless for him to take a quick trip for a snack at seven on a Wednesday evening.
However, that wasn’t the case. About 20 minutes later, I received a call from him, saying he had flipped his car at the Park and Ride just a mile away. Thankfully, he reassured me that he was okay, knowing full well how anxious I am about his safety—just like any concerned mother.
When I arrived, three of his friends were with him. Instead of going for food, he had met them in the parking lot, and they were joyriding, taking corners too quickly. My son made the poor choice to show off. A police officer arrived just as I did—someone had witnessed the incident and called 911. My son was honest about his friends being in the car with him.
I can think of countless “what if” scenarios, and we’re lucky that no one was hurt. He faced severe consequences: the state revoked his license for allowing his friends to ride with him, and I extended that punishment by taking away his driving privileges for a longer period. I even made him sell his car.
A neighbor texted me, asking about his absence; they hadn’t seen him driving. When family or friends inquired about how things were going, I kept this incident to myself—an experience filled with potential disasters that haunted me throughout the summer. “Everything is great,” I would say.
To outsiders, this situation might paint my son in a negative light. Without kids, it’s easy to assume he’s a bad person. The same goes for the time he got suspended for smoking pot, my youngest smearing Nutella on a school locker, or my daughter’s struggles with self-harm.
I kept it all private.
The Isolation of Parenting Teens
Parenting teens can be an isolating experience for two main reasons. First, teens typically want to distance themselves from their parents. Suggestions you make seem foolish, and they believe you no longer understand them. You swiftly transition from being their whole world to someone they push away as soon as puberty hits.
Second, when they begin to engage in risky behaviors—like speeding, breaking rules, sneaking out, or experimenting with substances—it’s not something you can easily discuss with other parents you meet at the park or in online groups. Their stories are theirs to share, and it feels unfair to vent about their struggles as you might have done when they were young, like when they were teething or learning to use the potty.
Teenage years bring complex struggles and secrets that must be kept to maintain their trust. You have to project strength when they approach you about serious issues, as panicking could shut down that communication for good. Staying composed is challenging.
There’s also the worry about how others perceive your teen’s choices. You may enter the stage believing you won’t let outside opinions dictate your parenting, but when someone criticizes their aspirations, style, or mistakes, it deeply affects them—and you. No amount of “I don’t care what others think” can soften the blow of that judgment.
It’s lonely.
I often look at my three children and long for a connection, yet I feel myself slipping away. I want to discuss their lives, thoughts, and fears, but most of the time, they want no part of it. The bond we once shared, when they sought my comfort and company, feels nearly gone.
What remains is a mother who understands the importance of these teenage years, feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of guiding them into adulthood while bearing the burden of their private issues alone.
Many days, my home may feel full, but I still feel lonely. The silver lining is that I’ve heard things improve, and I cling to that hope with all my might.
Resources for Parents
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- How to handle teenage rebellion
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- Tips for connecting with adolescents
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- How to talk to your teen
Summary
Parenting teens can be an isolating experience, marked by a shift in relationships and the weight of their choices. With challenges such as risky behaviors and the fear of judgment from others, parents often navigate these years alone, seeking connection while maintaining trust. The hope for improvement keeps them going.