Navigating Teen Behavior: The Importance of Boundaries
By Emily Thompson
Updated: April 7, 2021
Originally Published: April 6, 2021
My youngest son, who is in 8th grade, recently returned to school two days a week, and it has been a positive transition for him. He seems to be emerging from his 14-year-old slump, which is a relief. Last Monday, he asked to stay after school to help his science teacher prepare for the English teacher’s birthday celebration. Instantly, I had reservations; after all, I discovered some marijuana joints in his room last year, which he claimed were given to him by a friend—the same friend he was caught messing around with in the cafeteria.
While I don’t blame his friend for these incidents, I know my son is responsible for his choices and understands the difference between right and wrong. He often exercises this understanding by saying “no” to me, so I was cautious about his request. I told him he could stay after confirming with his teacher, who assured me he would indeed be there with a couple of other kids for an hour post-school.
Upon hearing I would check in on him, my son acknowledged that he wouldn’t lie to me. I’m sharing this not to paint him as an angel but to highlight how I’ve often faltered in setting proper boundaries with my teenagers. My youngest has been the most resistant to this concept, but even he understands now that he can’t always pull a fast one on me.
In my quest to be the “cool” parent, I’ve given my kids too many chances too quickly, and it backfired every single time. My eldest had a friend with whom he regularly got into trouble for smoking weed, yet I continued to overlook these behaviors. My daughter went through periods of being disrespectful, and I would reward her good behavior too soon, which only resulted in more disrespect.
Failing to establish clear boundaries leads to chaos, especially with teenagers. They will test limits, and if they sense leniency, they will take advantage of it. As parents, we are responsible for teaching our children how to treat us and others. I recognize that their moods can fluctuate due to various factors, but I also need to uphold respect for myself and our relationship by setting clear expectations and consequences.
When my teens act out, I inquire about their feelings while making it clear that I am not a punching bag. Establishing consequences, like taking away their phone or limiting social activities for breaking curfews, is critical. Checking in on them doesn’t make me controlling; it reinforces the idea that trust must be earned.
I learned this lesson the hard way from my own upbringing—my mother often ignored my misbehavior, leading to a lack of respect and accountability among my siblings and me. Boundaries also protect my time. For instance, I expect my children to be ready when I pick them up without making me wait unnecessarily.
It’s essential to strike a balance. Everyone has off days, and I don’t want my home to feel like a boot camp. However, I’ve realized that without firm boundaries, parenting teenagers becomes far more challenging. The goal is to teach them how to interact with others respectfully. Though it may not be fun now, establishing these limits will serve them well in the future. I would rather face their displeasure now than deal with the consequences of their actions later.
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Summary
Establishing boundaries is essential in parenting teenagers. It teaches them respect and accountability while ensuring that parents maintain their authority. As challenging as it may be, setting clear expectations and consequences fosters a healthier relationship and prepares them for the future.