The first time I confronted the reality of losing my mother was in 2016, during a therapy session. I was seated next to a small lamp and a box of toys—puppets, figures, and coloring sheets, all waiting for children to engage with them. My two-year-old daughter lay on the floor, oblivious to the weight of my emotions. In that moment, I expressed my longing for the mother I wished I had, the one I deeply needed as a new parent. Anger, sadness, and depression washed over me, yet there was also a flicker of acceptance and hope that hinted at a path forward.
“That makes sense,” my therapist said. “You’re grieving the loss of the parent you desire but will never have. It’s a process,” she continued. “You recognize that you’re experiencing grief, right?”
“No,” I replied, genuinely surprised. My mother was still alive, I thought—grief was meant for those who had already passed. Yet, I mourned the connection that was slipping away. It was a Tuesday morning, and I found myself lamenting a loss that was very much real, even if my mother was still breathing. This complexity of grief is rooted in the complicated relationship I had with her.
My mother battled an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness for many years. I witnessed as depression consumed her identity, leaving her a shadow of the person I once knew. She neglected her physical health, and her struggle with alcoholism compounded the situation. Each day felt like I was watching her fade away, and that morning, I realized it was time for me to let go.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief, as described by Verywell Mind, refers to the sorrow experienced before the death of a loved one or oneself. While many are familiar with the grief that follows a death, anticipatory grief is less often discussed. It can stem from various circumstances, such as mental illness, substance abuse, traumatic brain injury, or dementia. This form of grief arises when someone’s condition permanently alters their personality.
This type of grief can be both confusing and debilitating. Coming to terms with the fact that a loved one is no longer the person you once knew is profoundly painful. Though the loss is not physical, it is still very real.
Signs and Symptoms of Anticipatory Grief
The signs of anticipatory grief can resemble those of conventional grief, but they may manifest more erratically. According to Verywell Mind, emotions can fluctuate significantly; some days may feel overwhelmingly heavy while others might feel surprisingly light. You may experience anxiety, dread, or sadness as you await the inevitable. Anger and resentment are common, particularly when faced with the harsh reality that certain outcomes are beyond your control.
Additional indicators of anticipatory grief can include:
- Persistent sadness or tearfulness
- Feelings of loneliness
- Hopelessness
- An overwhelming sense of dread
- Anxiety
- Irritability or anger
- Shame and guilt
- Fatigue or sleep disturbances
- A lack of appetite
- Disinterest in usual activities
What to Do If You Suspect You’re Experiencing Anticipatory Grief
Whether your grief is traditional or anticipatory, it should be acknowledged and addressed. Finding someone you trust to share your feelings with can be incredibly beneficial. Working with a mental health professional or grief counselor is crucial, as they can provide guidance through this challenging process. In some instances, medication may be necessary, especially if your grief evolves into more complex emotional challenges.
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Summary
Anticipatory grief is a complex emotional experience that can arise when facing the impending loss of a loved one. It encompasses a range of feelings similar to traditional grief, including sadness, anxiety, and anger. Acknowledging and addressing these feelings is crucial, and support from friends, family, or professionals can aid in navigating this challenging emotional landscape.