Recently, I’ve been struck by an overwhelming sense of luck. I feel grateful for each day I get to spend with my family, cherishing the moments we have together.
As news of COVID-19 escalated, I found myself gripped by fear. The statistics were alarming, and I worried about the people I might lose. I remember telling my partner that I was scared I’d hear of many friends and acquaintances succumbing to the virus. Unfortunately, for countless individuals, that fear became a tragic reality. Thankfully, most of my loved ones have been spared, and those who contracted the virus didn’t require hospitalization.
About a month ago, I learned of a business associate who had been hospitalized and was struggling with COVID-19. I didn’t know him well, but his rapid decline was heartbreaking. I received the news of his passing while waiting in line to pick up dinner after my child’s first ice skating lesson. It filled me with sadness, especially for his young grandchildren who would never know him.
That evening, while preparing for bed, my partner casually mentioned a scent. When I realized I couldn’t smell anything, a sense of dread washed over me. The next day, I resolved to get tested for COVID-19. Although I was feeling fine otherwise, my mind raced with anxiety about what could happen if my health deteriorated quickly. I had certain aspects of my life in order, but others remained unchecked. The thought of needing to communicate vital information to others made me uneasy.
As I reflected on my own mortality, I thought about my mother, who had battled cancer and passed away. I realized that I had never had the chance to discuss her fears about death, leaving me without firsthand insight into that experience.
Fortunately, my COVID-19 test came back positive, but I experienced only mild symptoms and was able to work from home while quarantined with my family.
Shortly thereafter, a college friend shared that he had been hospitalized with COVID-19 but seemed to be recovering. In the days that followed, his posts became increasingly alarming as he expressed his fear of dying. The next morning, his trusted relative posted an update on his behalf, only to announce his passing a few hours later. Although we had lost touch over the years, social media kept our connection alive, and his humor was always a highlight in my newsfeed.
His death, occurring just before Easter, prompted deep reflection. Both of us were in our late 40s and had faced the same illness; he succumbed, while I survived. It felt as though I had been granted a second chance, leading me to ponder how I would use this extra time.
A few days later, I received an unexpected voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize. It was a colleague of my therapist, who had unexpectedly passed away. The shock of that news was overwhelming. Having shared intimate moments with my therapist over the years, I felt a profound sense of loss, compounded by the knowledge of how many clients he had to inform of his passing.
As a fellow therapist, I understood the need for personal distance in our profession, yet I felt a connection that made his death particularly impactful. The reality of my own mortality and what would happen if I were to die weighed heavily on me. I have a husband and a young child, and the thought of them receiving such news is almost too much to bear. My struggles with anxiety often bring up fears of losing them, especially after the postpartum anxiety I faced following my son’s birth.
There are no easy answers to the question of “What would happen if I were gone?” This uncertainty is gut-wrenching. Unlike mundane worries, these thoughts offer no simple solutions. Since becoming a parent, my concerns about mortality have intensified. The responsibility for a child’s well-being is immense, and every ounce of my energy is devoted to ensuring they feel safe and loved.
Perhaps the only way to cope with the reality of loss is to prepare for it as best as we can, reducing the burden on those we leave behind. This means putting practical measures in place to secure the future of our loved ones and having those tough conversations about our fears and hopes.
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In summary, surviving COVID-19 has instilled in me a deep appreciation for life and family. The losses I’ve witnessed have reminded me of the fragility of existence and the importance of cherishing every moment with loved ones.