People often respond to emotions expressed in my words rather than the message itself. They may focus on how I convey my thoughts—my passion, emotions, and intentions—rather than engaging with the actual content. As someone who identifies as part of the LGBTQIA+ community and works as an educator and advocate, I find that my identity sometimes complicates how my message is perceived. When listeners feel uneasy, they often criticize my tone, labeling it as unprofessional, angry, or inappropriate. Instead of addressing the core message, they divert attention away from accountability by suggesting I should present myself in a more palatable manner. This is what we refer to as tone policing, a practice that disproportionately affects marginalized individuals and women, particularly Black women, and it occurs frequently in various settings.
For instance, I recently conducted a training session for teachers on creating inclusive environments for transgender and gender nonconforming students. The principal requested that I refrain from swearing, noting that some teachers might take offense. This wasn’t meant as a threat but rather a recognition that certain staff members would likely focus on my language rather than the critical issues at hand. Instead of discussing the alarming statistics surrounding the mental health of transgender youth—many of whom contemplate suicide due to lack of support—some teachers would fixate on my choice of words.
Common Expressions of Tone Policing
Tone policing often manifests in phrases like:
- “Calm down. I don’t like that tone.”
- “You can’t talk to me that way.”
- “I wish you weren’t so angry.”
- “There’s no reason to be so upset about this.”
- “Can’t you say that in a nicer way?”
Typically, it is the more privileged individual in a conversation who engages in tone policing, intentionally or unintentionally invalidating the experiences and emotions of those who are marginalized. This behavior often stems from a discomfort with acknowledging privilege and the injustices faced by others.
When someone tells a passionate Black woman discussing discrimination to adjust her tone, it reflects underlying racism and sexism. Instead of confronting the injustices she discusses, the individual deflects by focusing on her expression of emotion. This defensive response inhibits meaningful dialogues about the real issues at play. Tone policing is rooted in colonialism and white supremacy, allowing individuals to shift the blame onto the victim, who may be labeled as overly emotional or irrational.
The Need for Emotional Expression
We need to normalize the expression of emotions in everyday interactions. Feeling upset or passionate does not equate to hostility. People should be allowed to express their feelings without being controlled or silenced. It’s dismissive to tell someone to calm down about a significant issue, and to suggest that their experiences are trivial is a form of gaslighting.
Those from marginalized communities, including queer individuals, Black people, and people of color, often face pressure to soften their words and emotions because those who have not experienced similar struggles may find it uncomfortable. It’s important to recognize that one does not need to have lived through these experiences to validate them.
For example, if I were to assert, “YOU DON’T HAVE TO EXPERIENCE OUR STRUGGLES TO BELIEVE OUR STRUGGLES,” and someone reacted negatively to my emphatic delivery, they would be engaging in tone policing. The essence of my message remains unchanged; only their receptiveness shifts based on their comfort level.
Questioning Privilege and Discomfort
Choosing comfort over discomfort is a privilege. When faced with discomforting statements, it’s essential to question the reasons behind those feelings. Are you deflecting from the real issue by focusing on someone’s tone? Are you using your position of power to demand respect based on how something was expressed?
People will naturally express strong emotions when discussing issues that affect their rights and humanity. Instead of asking them to tone down their feelings, we should listen actively, set aside defensiveness, and reflect on our biases. Amplifying their message rather than silencing it is crucial.
Further Reading
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Summary
Tone policing is a damaging practice that shifts focus from important discussions to the emotional expression of marginalized individuals. It often stems from privilege and discomfort, diverting attention away from serious issues. Recognizing and addressing tone policing is essential for fostering meaningful dialogue and understanding.