My former husband betrayed my trust two and a half years ago, and it turns out he’s been unfaithful to his current girlfriend as well. I find myself in a dilemma about whether to inform her of his deceit.
I’ve received mixed opinions about this situation. Some argue that it’s not my responsibility to intervene, while others insist that she deserves to be aware of the truth. A few even suggest that I should have spoken up long ago, but now it feels like too much time has passed. Despite the constant flow of advice, I remain unsure about what action to take.
His infidelity was the final blow that led to our divorce, but our relationship had already been riddled with dishonesty and addiction issues for nearly two decades. He has a knack for manipulation, presenting himself as sweet and caring, which cleverly conceals his darker side.
Just three months after I discovered his betrayal and filed for divorce, he mentioned to me that he had started dating someone new while we were planning our son’s birthday party. I was shocked but shouldn’t have been; he had already been unfaithful during our marriage. It felt like a cruel game to announce this news at a family event.
Now, two years later, he is still with this woman—let’s call her Emily. They’re planning to move in together soon, and Emily’s young children see my ex as a stable father figure. My son has also grown fond of Emily, and she seems to be a wonderful mother.
Because of this, I believe she deserves to know about his past infidelity. Yet, I hesitate to disrupt the lives of the children involved. By staying silent, I feel complicit in his lies; by speaking out, I risk dismantling their relationship.
Would You Want to Know?
Would you want to know? If you were dating a man who seemed like the ideal partner, would you want to discover that he is actually a skilled deceiver with serious issues? If you were preparing to commit to him, would you want to know if he had disrespected you early on?
I certainly would. I value honesty and transparency in relationships. If I found out my partner had cheated during our early days together, I would want to be informed. However, not everyone holds the same belief in the importance of openness. Some prefer to enjoy their relationships without knowing the hidden truths.
To clarify, my knowledge of his cheating is based on factual evidence. Not only did my ex admit to it, but I also received a confession from the other woman. The story unfolded in a dramatic and unexpected way; the husband of my ex’s mistress contacted me months after our divorce, revealing that he had caught them together again. He confirmed that she had admitted to sleeping with my ex after a work event we both attended.
When I confronted my ex, he initially denied it, as is his habit. But after some probing, he confessed to inviting her and taking her out to dinner before the event, which matched the account given by her husband.
Now, I sit with this uncomfortable truth about my ex-husband’s betrayal of his current girlfriend. Emily and I share a connection; we are both women who have been deceived by the same charming liar. The difference is that she remains unaware of his true nature, while I do not. I can’t help but worry that it’s only a matter of time before her world shatters—just as mine did—leaving her in despair, questioning how she could have been so misled.
The Moral Dilemma
I grapple with the idea of being a compassionate individual wanting to spare another woman from heartbreak while also feeling like a resentful ex-wife who no longer wants to hide my ex’s secrets. Is it selfish or selfless to disclose the truth? I honestly do not know.
If I speak up now, it may cause turmoil for the kids involved. If she learns the truth later, wouldn’t that be even more painful? Does she deserve to know before committing further, or should she be allowed to live her life unbothered by my revelations? And what about my desire to be free from the burden of being his secret-keeper?
These questions swirl in my mind day and night. I never anticipated that after two years, I would still find myself in this same situation, feeling just as confused and frightened as I did on that fateful day when he admitted his infidelity.