For nearly two years, I’ve actively distanced myself from my family, not due to their comments directed at me, but rather what they might say to my children. Initially, I avoided gatherings because their views on our two-mom family dynamic were difficult to handle. As my son transitioned into his teenage years, I began to hear remarks suggesting he needed a male figure in his life, followed by unwarranted comments about my younger daughter’s weight. To protect them, I decided it was best to limit our interactions.
The pandemic provided a convenient excuse to maintain this distance, halting my efforts to establish boundaries concerning my children’s weight and overall wellbeing. I grew up with the same family dynamics and knew firsthand the impact of their comments on self-image. Although I recognize their love for me, their remarks about my weight and eating habits have left lasting impressions. Now, as a parent, it’s my responsibility to safeguard my children’s mental and emotional health regarding their bodies.
Establishing Boundaries
Establishing boundaries with family can be challenging, but once set, they are easier to uphold. The words of family members can significantly affect our children. My daughter, who has a twin sister with a different body type, has already begun to question her appearance at just five years old. She asks heart-wrenching questions like, “Is my belly too big?” or “If I can’t fit into that, will you still love me?” Our responses as her parents must reinforce her worth, reminding her that her value lies in her kindness and how she treats others.
Equally important is my son, who is tall and thin, and tends to be a picky eater due to sensory sensitivities and medication that suppresses his appetite. The comments he faces are starkly different — remarks like, “You’re so skinny!” or “You need to gain a few pounds.” I confess that I once pressured him to eat more out of concern for his nutrition, but I’ve since learned to respect his choices and allow him to eat in a way that feels right for him.
The Impact of Comments
Every child deserves to feel cherished and supported in their interactions with family. While my relatives may fear our kids’ eating habits could lead to future health issues, it’s essential to recognize the stigma attached to weight. Dr. Kahan, director of the National Center for Weight and Wellness, pointed out how people with obesity often face prejudice, and it’s particularly hurtful when those perpetuating this stigma are family members.
We can’t predict our children’s health outcomes, but we do know that shaming them can have devastating long-term effects, including anxiety and eating disorders. Marlene Schwartz, a psychologist and director at the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, notes that teasing children about their weight rarely motivates them to lose it and can, in fact, cause harm.
Uplifting Our Children
As caregivers, it is our duty to uplift rather than hurt. When family members make comments about our children’s bodies, we should gently remind them to refrain from such discussions and allow parents to navigate these sensitive topics. After all, our children are ultimately our responsibility, not that of extended family.
The American Journal of Pediatrics advocates for a non-judgmental approach from healthcare providers, a mindset families can adopt as well. Their December 2020 statement emphasized the importance of addressing weight stigma in children and adolescents.
Instead of shaming our kids into losing weight, let’s foster an environment of support. My daughter’s pediatrician exemplified this approach when he suggested encouraging her to eat healthier while also promoting self-love, saying, “She’s going to be tall too!” His words resonated with both my daughter and me, highlighting the importance of positive reinforcement.
A Mother’s Commitment
As a mother, it is my responsibility to defend my daughter, especially when she may lack the words to express her feelings. I refuse to engage in conversations about her weight with family members; it is inappropriate and unfair to her. While I know my family means well, their comments could do more harm than good. What truly matters is showering my daughter with love and affirmation, reminding her that she is valued for who she is, not just for her appearance.
This commitment to protection is something I wish I had received during my own childhood, and it is essential for my daughter’s wellbeing.
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Summary: This article discusses the importance of protecting children from harmful family comments about their weight. The author shares her experiences navigating family dynamics while prioritizing her children’s mental and emotional health. She emphasizes the need for boundaries and positive reinforcement, advocating for a supportive environment that fosters self-love rather than shame.