For the past couple of years, I’ve been steering clear of family gatherings, not out of resentment toward them, but to protect my children. Initially, I found myself avoiding interactions due to their disapproval of our two-mom family setup. As my teenage son matured, comments morphed into “He needs a man around,” and soon shifted to my youngest child’s weight. To spare us from hurtful remarks, I decided it was best to keep our distance.
The pandemic conveniently gave me a reason to maintain this distance while I worked on establishing boundaries regarding discussions of weight within my family — especially concerning my children’s well-being. I’m all too familiar with the challenges that come from growing up in a family that scrutinizes weight and food choices. My family does care for me, but their comments have made me acutely aware of my body and what I consume. Now, with my kids aged five and fourteen, I feel it’s my duty to safeguard their mental and emotional health regarding body image.
Establishing Boundaries
Setting boundaries with family is no easy feat, but once established, they become easier to maintain. The words our families use impact us as parents and our children deeply. My daughter, whose twin sister has a different physique, at just five years old, is already questioning her body. She asks heartbreaking questions like, “My tummy is big, isn’t it?” or “Will you still love me if I can’t fit into that?” Our responses aim to reassure her that her worth is not tied to her appearance, but rather to her kindness and how she treats others.
My son, on the other hand, faces a different set of comments due to his tall, lean frame and selective eating habits linked to sensory issues and medication. Remarks like “You need to eat more” or “Look at those skinny legs” have come his way. In the past, I unwittingly pressured him to eat more, fearing he wouldn’t get the nutrients he needed. However, I’ve learned to respect his choices and allow him to follow what feels right for him.
The Impact of Weight Comments
Every child deserves to feel cherished in every interaction, be it with close family or extended relatives. My family worries about my kids’ eating habits, but comments about weight can lead to long-lasting harm. As noted by Dr. Kahan in a 2015 article in The New York Times, “Obesity has been called the last socially acceptable form of prejudice.” It’s disheartening when the ones who should support and love us are the ones perpetuating harmful stigma.
We cannot predict our children’s future health, but we understand the damaging effects of body shaming — from anxiety to eating disorders. Marlene Schwartz, a psychologist and director at the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, states that teasing children about their weight rarely motivates them to lose it and instead can inflict real harm.
Uplifting Our Children
Our ultimate aim should be to uplift our children, not bring them down with our words. When family members bring up weight or body image, it’s essential to redirect the conversation and reinforce our role as their protectors. Resources like the American Journal of Pediatrics advocate for a non-judgmental approach in healthcare, a philosophy families should adopt as well.
Instead of shaming children about their weight, we need to foster an environment of support. My daughter’s pediatrician exemplified this approach by advising us to encourage her to eat healthier and to love her body. His words were incredibly affirming for both my daughter and me. Just as family comments bear weight, so do those from professionals.
A Mother’s Responsibility
As a mother, it’s my responsibility to guard my daughter from harmful discussions about her body. I won’t engage in conversations about her weight with family members, as it’s neither fair nor appropriate. While I recognize their intentions may be good, their comments about her body only serve to undermine her self-esteem. Instead, they should express love and affirmations like “You are beautiful just the way you are” and “Your smile brings joy to everyone.” Ultimately, their well-meaning remarks do more harm than good, and I owe it to my children to protect them from the negativity I faced.
Conclusion
In summary, it’s vital to establish boundaries with family regarding discussions of weight. Protecting our children’s mental and emotional well-being is paramount, and fostering a supportive environment will help them thrive.