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Gary Chapman, the author behind the concept of the five love languages, has profoundly influenced how we express love and commitment in relationships since he introduced the idea in 1992. His five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch—have resonated with millions, leading to the sale of over 12 million copies of his books worldwide, allowing him to amass significant wealth and reshape discussions around love and relationships.
I personally have a copy of Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages for Children” sitting on my shelf, nestled between two other parenting guides. Just last week, I even shared a tweet about love languages with my partner. When it comes to expressing love, I strive to be aware of what makes my partner feel most appreciated, and they do the same for me. The concept of love languages has become so integrated into our vocabulary that even those who haven’t read Chapman’s works can relate to it in some way.
However, recent revelations about Chapman’s views on homosexuality have cast a shadow over his teachings. On his website, he provided troubling responses to questions regarding LGBTQ+ issues, indicating that disappointment and disapproval are common emotions for parents of gay children. He stated that love should still be expressed despite these feelings, suggesting that parents communicate their lack of understanding alongside their love. This perspective reflects a conditional approach to love, where acceptance is withheld based on sexual orientation.
This subtle form of homophobia is deeply concerning. Chapman’s language shifts away from empathy and unconditional love, placing the focus on parental feelings of disappointment rather than fully embracing a child’s identity. His advice implies that love can coexist with disapproval, but this is a contradiction. True love does not come with stipulations; it should encompass and affirm all aspects of a person’s identity.
People in the LGBTQ+ community often feel wounded by the phrase “I love you, but I don’t approve of your lifestyle.” For many, being queer is not a choice or a lifestyle; it is an intrinsic part of who they are. While Chapman’s teachings on love languages have proven beneficial in many contexts, his outdated views on love and acceptance have led me to reconsider my support for his work.
If you find yourself similarly disillusioned with Chapman’s ideas but still wish to enhance your relationships, I recommend exploring the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Their principles also focus on understanding and meeting a partner’s emotional needs, but they emphasize that love languages are not static; they can change depending on context. They recognize that qualities like quality time are essential in all relationships.
While I appreciate the concept of love languages, I will no longer invest in Chapman’s books. It’s imperative to challenge and call out those who perpetuate harmful beliefs, especially when it comes to love. Love is not a sin, and it should never be met with disappointment or shame. Rather, it should be celebrated in all its forms.
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In summary, Gary Chapman’s teachings on love languages may have benefited many, but his conditional love towards LGBTQ+ individuals reveals a troubling contradiction. True love must be unconditional and inclusive, celebrating each person’s identity without caveats.