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Dear Linda and Tom,
It feels a bit strange to refer to you as that. In my heart, I’ve never truly had parents. You were physically present, but emotionally absent.
For years, I harbored a deep-seated anger. You were correct in identifying my struggles with it. Being told to suppress negative feelings, shamed for my hurt, and manipulated into doubting my own reality fostered this anger. You taught me that expressing anger made me a bad person, while your own volatility and verbal attacks went unchallenged. This left me confused and questioning my own worth and sanity.
The most painful anger I’ve felt has often been directed at myself. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t I measure up to your expectations? I mistakenly believed it was my fault, absorbing the lesson that you were never to blame. I became adept at holding myself accountable for the wrongs you inflicted upon me.
But I was just a child, and you were the adults. It was never my fault.
I recognize that I wasn’t the perfect child, and at times, I may have added to your stress. But that still doesn’t excuse your behavior. You are in the wrong.
I’ve waited years for genuine apologies. Perhaps I would consider re-establishing a relationship if I believed in your growth. Instead, your apologies feel empty and rehearsed, uttered in hopes that I would forget the past and we could revert to the way things were. What you fail to grasp is that I refuse to return to that reality. Your “normal” was never normal for me, and I will not go back to hating myself, fearing you, or feeling unloved.
Your apologies cut deeper than if you had remained silent. You seem to think parents owe no real accountability to their children. When you follow your apologies with demands for me to simply accept them without emotion, it’s clear that my hope for your change is futile. You believe that parents are always right and that respect is an unquestionable entitlement.
I did respect you, but I’ve learned that respect is earned. Disrespect, on the other hand, is often the result of one’s actions. While I would never stoop to cruelty, I cannot muster respect for those who continually harm their own children and exploit their forgiveness.
During our last encounter, Linda, you mentioned, “I hope nothing ever goes wrong with your kids.” I understood the underlying meaning: you secretly wish for my children to distance themselves from me, allowing you to feel justified in your actions. Tom, in your last letter, you lamented about the difficulties of parenting, suggesting that I might come to understand your perspective through my own struggles.
These sentiments were deeply hurtful, leaving me feeling invalidated and shattering any hope I had for your change.
And for that, I thank you.
Thank you for illustrating the significance of sincere apologies from adults to children. Thank you for demonstrating that parents should not be respected unconditionally. Thank you for highlighting that parents must own their actions, regardless of their circumstances. Thank you for teaching me that apologies must be heartfelt and accompanied by actions that make children feel safe and valued.
I am grateful for these lessons, as they will shape how I parent my children. I will not shy away from acknowledging my mistakes or underestimating their maturity. I will foster an environment where my children can express their feelings without fear of manipulation. When they think of safety and open dialogue, they will think of me with love.
Thank you for showing me how NOT to be a parent.
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In summary, the experience of growing up with unloving guardians has imparted crucial lessons on parenting and accountability. I aim to foster a nurturing environment for my future children, ensuring their voices are heard and respected.