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Relief is an intense and often misunderstood emotion. It’s a feeling of reassurance or relaxation that many people experience after a period of anxiety or distress. Imagine the sensation of a cool breeze on a hot day or the first whiff of blooming flowers. However, relief is not a typical response to grief, especially when it comes to the loss of a loved one. Yet, for me, it was exactly how I felt when my mother passed away.
When my mother died in June, I found a sense of comfort and even joy in her absence. There was a profound release from the burdens that had long weighed me down. My mother was a complicated individual, grappling with mental health issues and addiction in her later years. She often expressed her frustration with the world in harsh and hurtful ways, leaving a mark on those around her.
For 36 years, I endured her emotional manipulation and verbal abuse. Her death brought me closure, solace, and yes, relief.
I wrestled with my initial feelings. I felt anger and shame for experiencing gratitude in the wake of her death. Most people wouldn’t understand how someone could feel relief after losing their own mother. To unpack my reaction, it’s vital to grasp the complexities of my mother’s life and our relationship.
She struggled with untreated depression for years, which cast a shadow over my childhood. The pain of her illness led to countless lost moments. She often made me feel less than, labeling me as stupid and worthless. As she turned to alcohol in her fifties, consuming excessive amounts daily, our relationship became increasingly strained.
While I didn’t hate her, I despised the way she treated me. Our connection was fraught with trauma, leaving me feeling perpetually inadequate. Loving someone with an addiction is an arduous journey, one that made me feel responsible for her well-being. This sense of duty lingered, leading to a calm acceptance when I received the news that she was missing on June 24th. Her potential death brought a sense of tranquility, signaling an end to the pain for both of us.
On that day, I tried calling her, but my attempts went unanswered. My husband and I drove to her apartment, where my instincts told me what I would find. Taking a deep breath before entering her home, I felt a sense of calm washing over me. I knew if I found her, it would finally be over; she would be at peace, and I would be safe.
It’s crucial to clarify that I never wished for her death, and despite my relief, I often reflect on how different things could have been. I mourn the relationship we never had and the memories we lost. Guilt and shame accompany my relief; I didn’t save her or our relationship. While many find relief in dealing with the death of a complicated loved one, I felt like my feelings were taboo.
As an article on What’s Your Grief notes, “relief feels like something they should be ashamed of.” Emotions are complex and don’t negate one another. It’s essential to recognize that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Understanding that others share similar feelings can help ease the burden.
If you find yourself navigating the loss of a complicated loved one and feeling relief, know that you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid, and it’s essential to honor them.
For more insights on navigating grief and complicated relationships, check out this blog post on intracervicalinsemination.com. For those considering home insemination, Make a Mom’s Cryobaby at Home Insemination Kit is a trusted resource. Additionally, this NHS page on IVF provides helpful information on pregnancy options.
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In summary, the experience of relief after the death of a complicated loved one can be a deeply conflicting emotion. It’s vital to acknowledge the complexity of feelings associated with grief and recognize that no one’s experience is invalid.