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A few years ago, before I embraced my identity as a member of the LGBTQ+ community at the age of 39, I found myself on the patio of a relative’s home during Thanksgiving, waiting for the turkey to finish cooking. I was mostly silent, listening as one cousin began discussing another family member who had come out as gay years earlier. That cousin was present at the gathering with his boyfriend, who some family members insisted on referring to as his “friend.”
During the conversation, one cousin was asked if he would attend our gay cousin’s wedding if it were to take place. His response, laced with disdain, was a resounding “No,” punctuated by a derisive snort. When pressed for a reason, he declared, “Because I believe that God created man and woman to be together, and homosexuality is a sin.” As I listened to this, my skin began to boil. Did he realize he was talking about me too? Would it have made a difference if I spoke up? I clenched my teeth and remained silent, even as my other cousin challenged him, asking why it mattered to him how others love and asserting that there was nothing wrong with it.
In hindsight, I regret not voicing my feelings. I wish I had spoken out and then walked away. I refuse to share a space with someone who holds such views. I know enough about his life to recognize the hypocrisy in his comments on “sin.” I hate that I sat there, consumed by anger, heart racing, hands shaking, and said nothing. At that time, I was perceived as straight. I should have stood up for my cousin, who shouldn’t have to be in an environment where his boyfriend was denied recognition, and where such treatment was deemed acceptable. That kind of behavior is far from normal, and I’m done staying silent. I will teach my children the importance of speaking out against prejudice.
The Dangers of Silence
Bigotry thrives in an atmosphere of silence. Our reluctance to confront it serves as tacit approval. In his “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. expressed his frustration with those who prioritize comfort over justice, noting that the real obstacle to progress is not the blatant bigot, but rather the moderate who favors a false peace over true justice.
Dr. King’s words resonate for all marginalized and oppressed groups. When those who claim to care remain silent, they allow discrimination and injustice to persist. Keeping quiet to maintain peace only serves our own comfort while leaving others vulnerable to emotional and physical harm.
We must take a stand and teach our children to do the same. I tell my son that I expect him to speak up when he hears men discussing women in a disrespectful manner. All parents should set this expectation. It cannot be left to a few individuals to challenge harmful attitudes. We must collectively raise our standards.
In a now-deleted TikTok clip, comedian Daniel Sloss shared his experience of witnessing problematic behavior among friends. He highlighted the danger of thinking that if you’re not part of the problem, then you’re part of the solution. This mentality promotes a superficial peace—one that benefits only your group while ignoring the struggles of others.
If you belong to a group and witness harmful behavior but remain silent, you are complicit. Whether you are a Christian who stays silent about homophobia among fellow believers, a law enforcement officer ignoring racist conduct from colleagues, or anyone witnessing discriminatory behavior, your silence makes you complicit.
Taking Action at All Levels
While it’s critical to speak up within our personal circles, we also need to push for change in broader systems. Support representatives who recognize and aim to dismantle systems of oppression. Engage with your local government—call, email, or even campaign for those who strive for equity. Let your children witness you advocating for change. Share your efforts with them so they can learn the importance of activism.
To create a safer, more equitable world for future generations, we cannot prioritize our own comfort at the expense of others. We must take action both individually and at a systemic level to avoid complicity in injustice.