Moms Are Constantly Chasing Perfection, and It's Time to Change That

It’s been quite a year—a tumultuous period filled with constant change and uncertainty. The pandemic has undeniably affected our collective mental health, but what concerns me most are the mothers grappling with long-standing perfectionism who feel utterly lost during these challenging times.

Perfectionism often stems from societal pressures and an instinctual desire to survive. From the days of early humans, our brains have developed to prioritize safety and belonging. We’ve historically had to be acutely aware of our surroundings to avoid danger or ostracism. Over time, this awareness has shifted toward our self-perception and the potential negative outcomes we might face—a phenomenon known as catastrophizing that many of us naturally experience.

Perfectionists excel at identifying their shortcomings, fixating on potential failures, and imposing immense pressure on themselves to meet unattainable standards, regardless of their circumstances. As women, particularly mothers, we’ve internalized the idea that if we strictly adhere to societal expectations, prioritize others’ needs over our own, and maintain a façade of composure, we will be deemed safe.

This mentality has become a form of psychological distress, especially in the current climate. Why? Because the rules have changed. Our routines, expectations, and sense of normalcy have all shifted dramatically. How can we adapt to this “new normal” perfectly when we lack experience, knowledge, and, most importantly, support?

Moms burdened by COVID-related challenges are stuck in a cycle of unfulfilled desires and self-blame, feeling inadequate in every aspect of life. How can we excel at work while managing children who are clamoring for attention? How can we tend to our mental health when the outlets we once relied on have been stripped away, leaving us focused solely on our children’s emotional and physical needs?

In times of losing control, we often revert to unhealthy coping mechanisms, which explains the rise in alcohol consumption and escalating mental health issues among women. I empathize with you, mama, because I share this experience. I found myself drinking more, worrying excessively, and experiencing physical symptoms of stress I had never encountered before.

Here are some strategies that have helped me and the incredible women I work with:

Acknowledge the True Reality: Let’s say it together: THIS IS HARD. I’m doing my best. All the feelings I’m experiencing are valid and part of the human experience.
Practice Deep Breathing: Take ten deep belly breaths, inhaling for five seconds, pausing, and exhaling slowly. This helps calm our nervous system.
Embrace Self-Compassion: Recognize your desire for perfection as a survival instinct. You’re doing your best—show yourself some love.
Be Intentional with Your Energy: We have a limited amount of energy, so focus on what matters most. Identify 1-2 areas to emphasize and allow yourself to be average in others. Your “average” is likely higher than most people’s best.
Choose to See Abundance: Acknowledge your feelings and then shift your focus to the positives in your life. This can create a healthier mental state.

As a mother and recovering perfectionist, I understand the struggle is real. Perhaps this time is a lesson from the universe, urging us to release the impossible expectations we’ve internalized. It’s a chance to prioritize what truly matters and recognize our worth.

Remember, you are important. The pressure to be perfect is out; embracing imperfection is in.

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Moms Are Constantly Chasing Perfection, and It’s Time to Change That

Here are some strategies that have helped me and the incredible women I work with:

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