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I have a strong intuition and a heightened awareness of my environment — a result of previous traumas. It can be beneficial, allowing me to assess a room and pick up on the energy of those around me. Yet, this hyper-vigilance can be draining. When I sense something unsettling, my instincts kick in, and I know I need to set a boundary.
Establishing boundaries is challenging, as it requires us to define limits that protect our well-being and foster respectful relationships. This can often feel overwhelming. Regardless of our ability to read energy or interpret spoken words, we cannot avoid all difficult interactions. We must learn how to manage tricky and sometimes harmful individuals in our families, workplaces, and social circles. Importantly, we can set boundaries without feeling obligated to explain them.
Children are notorious for testing the limits we establish. They often ask, “But why!?” and we respond with statements like, “Because I said so!” or “The answer is no!” While I sometimes provide explanations or alternative options, often, the answer simply stands as is. We should adopt a similar attitude when dealing with others in our lives.
It’s true that we may encounter resistance. Those who are particularly toxic may react negatively when they can no longer act as they please. Some individuals may become defensive; however, we are not required to soothe their discomfort when we express our own.
Certain groups, especially cisgender, straight white males, often struggle with boundaries. Their reactions can range from dismissive laughter to outright anger. They might ask why we can’t take a joke or label us negatively when we assert our boundaries.
I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my needs, whether it’s about my personal pronouns, why I don’t find their racist jokes amusing, or my discomfort with their proximity. Cishet males, particularly white ones, have long navigated society without having to justify their presence. I won’t soften my disapproval to make them feel comfortable, nor will I tolerate aggressive reactions. Instead, I may suggest they seek therapy.
While I consciously avoid many cishet males, I still set boundaries with cishet females and queer individuals. Healthy relationships are essential for everyone. Let’s be clear: boundaries aren’t negative. Open communication isn’t rude, and honesty should be embraced. Not every confrontation is contentious, and saying no is often a crucial aspect of self-care.
I’m learning to say no more often, and it feels liberating. Although I sometimes take on too many commitments, I’m starting to prioritize what I genuinely want to engage in. Even then, I might set clear availability. I refuse to act out of obligation, recognizing the difference between responsibility and self-imposed expectations. This proactive communication helps me manage my workload without becoming overwhelmed or sacrificing my mental health.
This journey isn’t solely about carving out personal time, although that’s important if it contributes to your self-care. For me, it’s about self-worth and demanding respect — not merely asking for it. It’s about valuing my time and making it meaningful. I don’t feel guilty about this, or at least I’m working on it.
Understanding my needs isn’t the issue; it’s the anxiety around how others will respond to my boundaries. I often find myself preparing justifications for them. Although I know I’m doing the right thing, I still occasionally feel guilty for setting limits. I wish I could silence the worry about how others perceive my intentions.
When I find myself needing to say no, change plans, or express discomfort, I’m becoming more comfortable stating my boundary without extensive explanations. I don’t need to justify my needs or desires. Recognizing my limits and asking for respect from those around me is not a sign of failure. It’s healthy, even if my boundaries shift over time.
People often resist boundaries because they can no longer take advantage of you. Remember, you don’t have to negotiate your terms or provide reasons. Stand firm and hold others accountable. Your discomfort doesn’t require disclosure, nor does anyone else’s.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your boundaries. Establishing limits is a vital part of maintaining healthy relationships and self-respect. Whether it’s with family, friends, or colleagues, your needs and limits deserve acknowledgment without justification.