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“We may need to look into using an egg donor,” the doctor said. Sitting there, I felt my heart sink. My husband had to wait in the car due to Covid-19 restrictions, so I absorbed this news alone. I had trusted this doctor with my hopes and finances for over a year, and now I was facing a harsh reality.
After completing my second IVF cycle, I had only one embryo make it to genetic testing, and it was deemed abnormal. From the moment I learned about reproduction, I was taught it was something to be avoided. I started birth control at age 13 and cycled on and off it for over a decade. When my husband and I felt ready for a baby, I discarded the pills, believing conception would be quick. After all, it’s often said that “it only takes one time.” Yet here I was, having tried countless times with no success.
We do have a wonderful son, who took six months to conceive with the assistance of Clomid. However, when we began trying for a second child, I was devastated to learn I had Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR) and that my husband had low morphology. This diagnosis was frightening. Like many women, I had always feared there might be something wrong with my eggs. I’ve struggled with anxiety for years, and during our initial attempts to conceive, those fears consumed me. “It’s your fault,” “Something is wrong,” “You were on birth control for too long.” I never anticipated this would become my reality.
Being diagnosed with DOR felt like a punch to the gut. It meant my egg reserve was alarmingly low. While getting pregnant isn’t impossible, it certainly complicates matters, and I was depleting my eggs faster than I should have been at my age. My AMH levels indicated I had the reserve of someone in their mid-30s or early 40s, yet I was only 27. This was the same age my mother had me. Although I faced issues during my first pregnancy at 24, I was oblivious to the severity of my situation until now. I immediately began taking supplements and vitamins, motivated to defy the odds.
Ladies, I urge you to have your AMH levels checked as soon as possible, even if you aren’t planning on children right away. You never know what’s happening inside your body. I experienced no symptoms or signs of DOR; my periods were always regular and on schedule.
Before consulting my Reproductive Endocrinologist, my husband and I tried conceiving for seven months. During the eighth month, I reached out to my OB for help with Clomid again. I was ecstatic when I got pregnant immediately after my first dose! However, two weeks later, I faced the heartbreak of a miscarriage.
Despite the setback, I picked myself up and continued trying. After two more months with Clomid and no success, we decided to consult a reproductive specialist and received the grim diagnosis. My doctor initially recommended IUIs, which were covered by insurance. Each month, I took Clomid, attended monitoring appointments, and received Ovidrel injections to help with ovulation, followed by insemination. I remember feeling confident after each procedure, convinced I would soon be pregnant.
Eventually, it was time to consider IVF, a route I had never anticipated taking. On the day I was scheduled to begin medication, I went for a monitoring appointment only to be told I was pregnant. However, my levels were low, and three weeks later, I suffered another miscarriage.
Determined, I dove into IVF. After signing the necessary paperwork and starting medications, I underwent my egg retrieval. I woke up to disappointing news: only seven eggs were retrieved. A week later, none of the embryos progressed. I was heartbroken but pressed on.
We immediately began our second round of IVF. After the usual cycle of needles, blood tests, and monitoring, I learned eight eggs were retrieved this time. A week later, only one embryo reached the blastocyst stage for testing, but it too was found to be abnormal. The news hit hard; it felt like another loss. Each fertilized embryo felt like a baby to me, a piece of both my husband and me. I found myself feeling robbed of the opportunity to nurture our potential children.
I always knew IVF was not guaranteed, but after facing the same disheartening result twice, it felt like a dead end. Seeking a second opinion led to additional tests, including an HSN and a biopsy. The biopsy came back clear, but a polyp was discovered in my uterus and had to be removed, leading to surgery. I had always suspected something might be wrong internally.
Upon waking from surgery, I learned that not only was the polyp absent, but I also had stage 2 and 3 endometriosis. I had no symptoms; even the previous biopsy had returned negative. Without that surgery, I would have remained unaware of the endometriosis.
Both of us facing reproductive challenges leaves us feeling like our options are dwindling, our finances are strained, and all we can do is hope for a surprise baby—the kind of miracle you hear about but don’t truly believe in.
I am grateful for my beautiful son and cherish every moment with him. Yet, my desire to give him a sibling remains unfulfilled. If that isn’t meant to be, I will devote myself to his happiness. He may be spoiled and stubborn, but he will be loved and will know how hard we tried to give him a built-in best friend. Although we have one last IVF cycle covered by insurance, we aren’t ready to proceed after our past experiences.
I grapple with the dual feelings of gratitude for my son while yearning for another child. Sometimes, I feel unworthy of calling myself infertile since I have one child, yet other times it feels like everyone else is moving on while I remain stuck, waiting for the next chapter of our story to unfold. I dream of a bustling household filled with laughter, sibling squabbles, and the joy of shared experiences.
I feel anger towards my body for not fulfilling its natural role, for being able to provide my son with toys and vacations but unable to give him the sibling he deserves. We will never truly feel complete in our journey towards expanding our family. Our fight continues.
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Summary
This article recounts a woman’s deeply personal journey through the challenges of diminished ovarian reserve and her husband’s low morphology as they navigate infertility. She reflects on the emotional turmoil of miscarriages, IVF procedures, and the heartache of wanting a sibling for her son. Despite the struggles, she expresses gratitude for her child and determination to continue fighting for another baby, emphasizing the importance of understanding one’s reproductive health.