The Day I Considered Ending My Marriage

Today, I found myself contemplating the end of my marriage. Don’t fret about us—right now, we’re snuggled up on the couch—but this morning at around 8:34 a.m., I was filled with a burning frustration. My partner had volunteered to take our kids to school the night before, an offer I appreciated. However, it was hard to feel grateful when he stood at the doorway sighing and rolling his eyes as they slowly went through their breakfast routine and laced up their shoes. As he sped away, all I could think was, “Your help just hurts.”

After he dropped them off, a heated text exchange followed, which led to a conciliatory phone call and a mutual agreement to keep showing each other compassion amidst the stress our family has been facing this past year. The pandemic has taken a toll not just on us as individuals but also on our relationship.

My partner and I have navigated a lot together—16 years of marriage, two doctorate degrees, six-figure student debt, and raising a child with special needs. We thought we were resilient before COVID hit. Now, looking back, we realize we underestimated how challenging it would be to 1) be in each other’s space all the time, 2) maintain our romantic connection, and 3) not let the chaos of a global crisis drive us apart.

Lately, I’ve noticed countless mothers in my practice feeling the same way about their partners. We’re all eager for this pandemic to end (and for the intense arguments that often accompany it to disappear). I know, as do you, that when things improve, our relationships should also follow suit. Yet, I don’t want to wait for that (whenever it may be). The silver lining is that we don’t have to.

I’ve learned from other resilient mothers—those who have endured ups and downs, sunny days and global crises—some essential principles for parenting in partnership, so instances like today become rarer for all of us.

1. Forget the 50/50 Split

The idea of a perfect fifty-fifty division of parenting responsibilities is a myth. You might handle 90% of the laundry while your partner takes care of 70% of the school runs. The key is to ensure you’re not disproportionately shouldering the burden.

2. Share the Mental Load

Your partner can’t read your mind. Make it a routine to discuss household tasks and responsibilities openly. A monthly family meeting can be a great way to outline what each person needs to do.

3. Delegate Based on Strengths

Consider practical factors when dividing responsibilities. Who has more free time? What are each partner’s strengths? For instance, if you’re breastfeeding, designate your partner as the “soother in chief.”

4. Communicate Effectively

Use a common language when discussing tasks. If you both enjoy sports, frame it like a team strategy meeting to tackle responsibilities together.

5. Leverage Technology

Utilize shared calendars and apps to keep track of household duties and events. This promotes accountability and ensures both partners are informed.

6. Sometimes, Just Ignore

At times, you might need to overlook minor annoyances, like eye rolls or sighs, when delegating tasks. It’s part of offloading some of your mental burden.

7. Extend Grace to Each Other

We all carry our daily stresses into our relationships. Approaching your partner with empathy can reduce conflicts significantly.

8. Take a Step Back

Micromanagement leads to resentment. Allow your partner to take the lead in parenting without hovering, and give them the space to make decisions.

I don’t always practice these principles perfectly. My partner sometimes feels he is merely “helping” rather than co-parenting. Yet, despite the societal norms that have long dictated gender roles, we strive for equal partnerships in raising our children, regardless of the circumstances.

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In summary, while the pandemic has strained many relationships, understanding and communication can help couples navigate these challenges. By sharing responsibilities, using technology, and approaching each other with empathy, we can foster healthier partnerships.